It is not often that I can save readers of the Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of their life savings but this, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, is the time. I recently received a mailer at my home sent to me courtesy of the Church of Scientology. I read it carefully. They are going to save my life, straighten out my misguided view of the world, and, as they say in show business, clean up my act. Now because I’ve been on the Scientology list of treasonous people, I’m more than hip to the theology of the Commodore’s church.
But if, for some unforeseen reason, you or any of your family members are big enough idiots to respond to that mailer, wander into 2340 Blake Street in downtown Denver, or make that phone call, you will be grifted into one of the great cons run in this country in quite a while. (With the exception of Barrack Obama’s life story, the truth about the Clintons and how there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, this pooch ranks right up there with Elvis ain’t dead, 9/11 was an inside job, and the innocence of Patsy Ramsey.)
Folks, have you seen the HBO documentary titled Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief? Damn. The excellent documentary demonstrates that Scientology is a dangerous, frightening, aggressive attempt to lure people into a cult, clean out their wallets and destroy their families. It comes from a book by Lawrence Wright about his life in Scientology. I’ve been jerking the Scientology people around on the radio for as far back as I can remember. But in everyday Scientology, as you have to pay to receive the beliefs of the church, I will save you the money.
Now if I wanted to go and become a practicing Roman Catholic, I would simply go to my closest Catholic church and ask the priest to give me religious instruction or at least tell me what the church believes. And the same is probably true in Judaism, any Protestant denomination (with the exception of snake handling — I think that takes a little work), or if I dare walk into a mosque and ask the imam. Those things aren’t that tough but Scientology has a price tag. So, this is what they believe.
Centuries ago in a galaxy far far away (I know, it sounds like Star Wars), there was a really bad character called Xenu, an evil dictator. So 75 million years ago, the galactic confederation had 26 stars, 76 planets, including Earth which was then known as Teegeeact. If you have gotten this far in the column, I have just saved you thousands of dollars, because you don’t get to know that until you get over certain Operating Thetan levels. The planets were overpopulated, the evil Xenu was about to get kicked out (much like Richard Nixon), so he plotted and eliminated these people with the assistance of a psychiatrist. Have you ever been to any form of demonstration and seen a guy in a suit and seen a sign that says Psychiatry Kills? That, my friends, is a Scientologist.
So, Xenu paralyzes these people, freezes them and ships them to earth where they go down into volcanos. (That’s why on the cover of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dienetics, their Bible, there is a picture of the volcano.) But to top it off, hydrogen bombs are put into volcanos, all detonated at once. So now these souls, known as Thetans, were blown up in the air. Captured by the evil Xenu, they were sucked into vacuum tubes and people were taken to movies, forced to watch 3D movies and forced to watch TVs for 36 days. (I’m not making this stuff up.) And they are probably now in your body, and you’ve got to get rid of them. Groups of rebels known as the Loyal Officers overthrew Xenu and locked him away into the electronic trap from which he has not yet escaped. Some of these clowns believe this is in the Pyrenees on earth.
The cost of learning all of this so far is about $6,500. See the savings you made by reading the Chronicle? These people are dangerous. You can watch the HBO documentary, read dozens of books about them and they are recruiting people through the U.S. Mail and national TV ads.
I kind of rest my case, but if you are willing to contact me at KNUS radio and hold a couple of tin cans wired to an old E-meter, I will be willing to get those bad Thetans out of your body and you’ll live the rest of your life clear.
You just got a quick overview of Scientology. Have any of them contact me and tell me this column isn’t true. The good news is Lisa Marie Presley has left the cult, just as her father has left the building. See you sometime later here on Teegeeact.
In the words of the late great Jackie Gleason, “homina, homina, homina.”
— Peter