Cary Grant, Age 70
Maybe you can relate to this column, except if you have been happily married for 45 years, in which case you are the human equivalent of a unicorn.
I always described my mother and father’s marriage as being like the Vietnam war. They fought every day until they forgot why they were fighting but continued battling on anyway. I’m a big fan of Hank Williams Sr., who in the legendary country song Mind Your Own Business, declared: “Me and my old lady got a license to fight.”
I have long joked that I can’t do math and I can’t do marriage. This is not the Courtship of Eddie’s Father or Sleepless in Seattle. I can’t get it right. The protocols and practice of dating I think vary with each relationship to where you live, how old you are or whether or not you drink.
Back in the old days one of my many mantras was, “I can drink her pretty.” Or again, another country legend, Mickey Gilley’s Don’t the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time. I was a whirlwind at that. I couldn’t miss. There were degrees to my drinking. One of the levels arrived about nine o’clock on Friday nights when in my mind I became Robert Redford. I became bulletproof until about one-thirty in the morning when I became invisible. That worked well then. That was then, this is now.
How many really cool singles places are there for guys my age? I tried the websites. My personal favorite is bikerplanet.com, where you want to take her with you in case there’s a bar fight. I love these women, they’re my dear friends, but it’s not my idea of a partner in an intimate relationship with eyes on the future. I also gave millionaire.com a shot where everyone is a liar. But, if I had millions stashed away, I wouldn’t have to work so hard for a date.
Also, there’s the Christian singles but for a practicing pagan like myself that leaves me little room. I looked at OurTime.com but these people were born well before the Japanese hit Pearl Harbor.
I’ve tried them all and I’ve given up on matchmaking services, family as matchmakers, Ouija boards and TV shows.
Some of my friends are seeing women in their 20s. Their so-called “nieces.” We have talked about downtown Denver hotels where you can see older men saying goodnight to their “nieces.” But I think that’s a little over the top.
As guys approach septuagenarian status they like to see themselves as being Cary Grant squiring around Dyan Cannon, except they are not Cary Grant. Plus Grant and Cannon were reportedly miserable together. She divorced him before he even hit the big seven zero.
This is a quandary. I know there are many men and women my age who feel like this is the last chapter of “What’s the use.”
How do you go about being a single guy or gal in this part of our lives? I have a homosexual friend who once said to me. “Nobody loves you when you’re old and gay.” I think that’s true for straights, too.
So if you have any suggestions, let me know. We could make a fortune because I know a lot of people out there who share in my dilemma.
I have therefore decided to forget about relationships and I am going to take the time I would otherwise have devoted to dating and building a relationship to helping others. There are lots of vets from Iraq and Afghanistan with physical disabilities, PTSD and TBI that could use some support that the VA is not providing. Moreover, there are going to be a lot more on the way with our latest insane Iraqi/Syria incursion.
There are also plenty of recovering alcoholics and drug addicts down at Step 13 who, as they say, need a “hand up and not a hand out.” I have found helping others is the best way to stop worrying about myself. Moreover, you never know who you might meet when you are not looking. As the inestimable Scarlett O’Hara so pithily stated, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”
— Peter