I call for my pipe and I call for my bowl — Dan Caplis that’s an inside joke. In the spirit of giving and God bless us all, looking back over the last 12 months of the award-winning Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle columns, I am remiss if I don’t wish most of my targets a Merry Christmas with a gift under their trees.
Beginning with Kyle Clark and Shaun Boyd — Now you can see where this column is headed. Dudes — the numbers bite, you cut a lot of throats this year and both of you act surprised that the only person people dislike more than you two is me.
To the employees of The Denver Post — In the words of Dick Kreck, if they offer you a buy out, take it fast. It won’t be much but it will be a little something so you can buy yourselves a little holiday cheer.
To the Hickenlooper-Hancock Road Home to End Homelessness in Ten Years — My father would talk about putting one thing in one hand and something in the other and seeing which weighed the most. You can also attempt to shovel that same substance against the tide. You both deserve it put on the tops of your heads. When was the last time anyone drove Speer Boulevard and saw how Denver is ending homelessness.
To John Elway and Joe Ellis — Do you guys know the expression something is much like “Hogan’s goat?” Damn, dudes. Can’t you guys — in the words of Rodney King — just get along?
To the Bowlen family — Talk about why can’t we all get along. I’m sure it will be a really fun Christmas morning at Annabel’s.
To Stan Garnett — Stanley where are you my boy? You were the darling of new left media and now you have vanished like Marley’s ghost. Can they hear your chains rattling through the hallowed halls at Brownstein’s?
To Norm Brownstein — A true Father Christmas to the great state of Colorado. If the Broncos could have only had the year you had. You had more hits than the mafia. Sometimes I think of myself as what if I really am Whitey Bulger? That’s never good.
To Michael Hancock — who is, as I’m sure, all settled down for a long winter’s nap. It just depends who he’s with. Could be about anybody, right Mikey?
How about that John Hickenlooper — President-elect Hickenlooper? Contender Hickenlooper? Senator John Hickenlooper? If you watch the horizon John Boy’s future is so bright — here comes the gift — sunglasses, he’s gotta wear shades.
Jared Polis — or should I say Governor Jared Polis? Your win over Walker Stapleton is the equivalent of stepping on baby chicks — whoops that’s an Easter gift.
The NFL — I love that you decided to have a whole week where you saluted the military. Was that some feeble attempt to bring people back to watching your on-field performances? A special New Year’s wish for that.
And last but not least — Donald Trump. The gift that keeps on giving. How you managed these last two years is absolutely amazing. I never got the pony under the tree and I certainly never got a car. But I got you. You have made these last two years a true enjoyment watching CNN’s rating drop below the Food Channel reruns. Don Lemon is getting clipped by the Cupcake Wars. Damn what a Christmas gift that is.
So looking ahead to 2019, in the words of my sainted grandmother, if you don’t think things are going to get worse, just wait and hang on. Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Happy New Year. Thank you for this last year — it’s been a blast.
— Peter Boyles
