Last month I wrote about how to recognize if you are dating someone or in a relationship that you are forcing in order to make it work. I received a lot of response from people who said that article hit home with them and it made many of you think about your current situations. The first step to finding wellness in your life is actually identifying that there is a problem. The next step is figuring out how to eliminate whatever is adversely affecting you, in this case, who you’re dating or in a relationship with. The key is to do it in a productive manner that won’t put you in a hole deeper than you’re already in.
This month’s column is about the dreaded breakup or taking out the trash, if you will. Some of you may think using the term “taking out the trash” may be a bit harsh when it comes to severing ties with someone but, of course, I disagree. First, what is trash? Well, good ol’ dictionary.com defines trash as anything useless, worthless or rubbish. I don’t know about you but if you’ve come to the realization that the person you are choosing to be with is no longer contributing to your life in a productive manner and he/she is stunting your growth and health then indeed they are useless, worthless or rubbish to you and you need to take out the trash.
Sometimes it takes years to figure out if something or someone is trash in your life. Denial is a huge factor when it comes to identifying trash. Because remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Sometimes trash is obvious and you know to throw it away immediately because it’s rotten or it stinks. Other times trash is a lot less obvious; you know what I’m talking about because we all have a tendency to hold on to things “just in case.”
“I’m not going to throw away these 20 pair of old holey socks because I may need them someday,” when we know good and well they are just taking up room in the sock drawer and they will continue to until something is done about it. How about all that “stuff” stacking up in the basement or garage that you “need” when you know good and well it’s just glorified trash cluttering your home. Sometimes the hardest trash to throw out are the items that have been around for a while and have grown to be sentimental to you even though those things do nothing for your life in the present, nor will they in the future.
The same analogy goes for people. The obvious people who are rotten and stink up your life are fairly easy to rid yourself of, mostly because you’ve made up your mind that there is no room in your life for them. But what about the people you’re dating or in a relationship with who you have an emotional tie with or you see redeeming qualities in them but you know they’re not good for you? Should all trash be discarded equally or should more consideration be put into ending your connection with someone you want the best for? I say yes, yes, you should put more thoughtful effort into breaking up with someone whose only fault is living their life in a way that is not conducive to how you want to live yours.
We humans get so caught up in the blame game and projecting on to others how we would live our lives in hope the person that we’re with will start to see things our way. If you are, stop pointing fingers and attacking someone’s character because you want a reason to justify a breakup. Don’t try blowing things up and make it personal so anger can be your excuse to hang your hat on as to why things aren’t working. Here are a few different ways to look at, or phrase things when you’re trying to navigate the waters of a breakup and not sink your own ship, or theirs, while doing so.
- Rather than saying, “you will never get how I feel!,” understand they are not you, and they may never think like you, and that’s ok. Try saying this instead, “I understand we think differently, but instead of forcing how I think, or what I would do in a situation with you, I have decided it’s best for us to understand that we are both different and we need to be with more like minded individuals.”
- Rather than saying something personal or hurtful like, “you’re a bum and you will never amount to anything” try this; “You may be working hard according to your standards but I am at the point in my life where our work ethic is different and rather than me being upset with you about it I think it’s best I let you go, so we can both strive at our own pace.”
- Rather than saying, “I am tired of you lying about everything,” try saying, “It’s unfortunate that we are at the point in our relationship where we have to be dishonest with each other because it’s become easier to just lie rather than tell the truth, and I want you to be with someone who you feel comfortable expressing yourself to.”
I could keep going but I think you get the point. A breakup doesn’t have to be an undressing of another person’s actions or character. A breakup should be two people who care about the other person’s needs and plight in life. Just because being with someone isn’t working for you, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be perfectly compatible with someone else. All I want you to keep in mind is we are all people just trying to find our way in this world and not everyone is going to be right for you. Lead with your heart, stay true to what’s important to you, and most of all keep it classy.
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club that I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail.com. And if you own a fun date-friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
