Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
Why is the act of physical intimacy so meaningless these days? Let me rephrase that question…Have you noticed that people find it much easier to casually “hook up” with someone physically rather than sharing something personal about themselves? Is it just me, or is that the buggy before the horse approach? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of casual indiscretions and I am not holding myself above anyone else or passing judgment, but I can’t help but notice that hooking up is no longer taboo or shame ridden after the fact. It’s as normal as shaking hands with someone.
I’m sure most of you remember the days when a drunken night out bar hopping led to a romp in the bedroom with a complete stranger, followed by the walk of shame early the next morning. Nowadays forget about the shame, single (and attached) people are proud of the fact that they were able to achieve physical gratification without sharing anything personal with their partner of the day.
Why is this happening? I have a f
ew opinions on this topic as I’m sure you do too. First, I blame a lot of this casual mentality on technology. Technology has allowed people the opportunity to meet others that they wouldn’t have had the capability of meeting years ago. Gone are the days when you were forced to date people who you actually knew. You know, a friend of a friend, someone you work with, a person your Aunt Betty introduced you to. Those were the days when dating prospects were few and there was an expectation of decorum and chivalry. Why? Because the people you had the opportunity to become romantic with were somehow woven into your life, and not just a stranger who lives across town and is just a dating profile picture with a brief description of who they want you to believe they are.
Think about it, and it only makes sense. Because of technology a single daters pool of prospects went from looking like a pond years ago and now that pond looks more like the Pacific Ocean. Now having your options increased seems like an amazing thing on the surface but the reality is I believe it’s turning us into a bunch of emotionally guarded people who have settled for casual relations. I don’t believe technology daters intend for this to be the outcome, but when they set out to date it inevitably ends up that way.
Here’s why I say that. Dating with a purpose is difficult and if you are truly doing things the proper way in order to form a lasting bond with someone beyond physical attraction, it can be emotionally taxing. Especially if things don’t work out and you have to repeat the process over and over again until the noodle sticks on the ceiling. The emotions and vulnerability of opening up your heart and soul to someone is a scary notion, even more so than exposing your body for gratification and false intimacy.
Who can blame anyone for shutting down when they are looking for love in numerous strangers’ eyes? Thinking about it makes me exhausted. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re using technology to date so you can avoid being just as cold and impersonal as the computer you’re using.
- Keep the number of people you’re dating to a minimum. More is not better in this instance… The larger your dating rotation is the harder it becomes on your personal constitution. Figure out if you’re on the same page as the person you’re dating and remember your long-term emotional needs, not what’s going to satisfy you for the day.
- Keep your casual encounters to a minimum. I say this because the more and more you do something the more your brain and body will get used to it making this pattern of casual false intimacy not only normal to you, but a big part of who you are. This is not a life you want to live.
- Have expectations of not only yourself but the people you date. You should give and expect emotional fulfillment and gratification from your time spent together. If you find yourself not wanting to bring that to the table or the other person shows up empty handed, try to get back on the same page or move on. Usually forcing someone to open up in order to create a lasting bond just leads to pushing them further away, which is fine. At least there is movement and direction even if it’s not the direction you hoped for.
- Be aware of what you’re doing and pacing yourself when it comes to learning about another person. There is a fine line between wanting to know a person and being nosey, especially when you’re first dating. So keep a good conscious pace, not too slow, not too fast. Easy does it.
- Never forget in your mind how good it feels to actually make love to someone you care about. That’s the goal, love. Take pride in knowing when you give your body to someone you actually care about you can take pride and render mountains more satisfaction than you ever will by using someone as a tool for pleasuring oneself.
I bring this topic up because I see a trend happening in the dating world that is now just starting to rear its head — ugly head. Are you seeing an increase in casual relations and a decline in intimate, true connections? If you have a take on this subject I would love to continue this discussion with you on my blog at www.themoderndater .com. Don’t forget to tune into The Modern Dater radio show on 630 KHOW every Saturday evening starting at 7 p.m.
Until next time, keep it in your pants and wait for romance.
Your pal — Sheik