So you’re putting yourself out there and you’re dating, congrats. But let me ask you, if the perfect person for you presented themself to you would you even know it? Would you be ready to love and be loved? Would you even know what love is or how to nurture it in a healthy, positive way.
My guess is probably not and I don’t say this to be rude or condescending, I say this because the dating culture has become so self-absorbed with people who chase an idea rather than an actual person, a person who enhances your life rather than pushing you back into the cauldron of toxic, soul crushing relationships.
I look at daters everywhere who scare the daylights out of me. Let’s face it, if you’re reading my column the chances are good that you’re single, and if you’re single there is a good chance it’s for a reason. My experience from interacting with an abundance of unattached people from all walks of life is that they all share one major commonality. They are not single because they “haven’t found the right person,” they are single because they are unmarketable.
Time and time again I see people frantic to attach themselves to someone. I get it. Who wants to be alone and not share intimate moments with someone special? Nobody, unless you’re so beat down by life you just throw in the towel and give up. But for the most part, I do believe people need to feel loved and have a lot of love to give. Newsflash! Your love means squat if you don’t have any substance behind it and/or you don’t know how to display it.
Have you ever heard people say, “everyone I’m interested in being with isn’t into me and everyone who is interested in me, I’m not interested in?” Personally I think that is very telling and it isn’t by chance. It’s because people are always striving for someone better than themselves or someone who they think can fill a void that they’re unable or not willing to fill themselves. But lo and behold, nature takes charge and just like water that finds its own level, humans do too.
Daters everywhere play this sick little song and dance. A song and dance called how can I find someone who fits my idea of what I’m looking for, and then customize a perception about themselves that they project that has nothing to do with who they actually are. Why? Fear I suppose, fear that if the other person catches on to who they really are the other person will run like someone is chasing them with a knife. As well they should if you’re not being genuine.
Being a single guy myself I see this and have lived this exercise in futility first hand. Let’s face it, we could all be in a relationship if we wanted to right this second. What’s the reason we’re not? Answer: because we all want the best, the crème de la crème. But be honest with yourself right now, are you the best you, are you good for someone’s life that is happy, healthy, thriving and ready for honest, untainted love? If your honest answer is no, no you are not ready to provide the same for someone that you want out of them, then please stop. Stop trying to infuse your complicated life into the lives of those who have put in the time to make themselves viable for a loving relationship. Just stop, leave them alone.
Here is a quick check list for you to use to gauge whether you’re ready to love and be loved in a healthy relationship.
- Do you have a tendency to be dishonest and reframe reality so someone will like you? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you get offended by the truth and easily hurt by it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you seek out people to fulfill an idea you have or to fill a void in yourself, i.e., you want a baby; you need money; you want arm candy; you can’t stand to be alone with yourself; your friends are all getting hitched but you’re not; you think being with someone will make you happy when otherwise you are not; and the list goes on… If so, you’re not ready.
- You have jealousy and/or anger issues? If so, you’re not ready.
- You believe the other person should act and react to situations just like you would and if they don’t you get upset? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t understand that humans are fallible and will disappoint you on occasion and you take it very personally? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t believe in letting people exercise their free will and you don’t have the ability to let them do what drives them and then decide if their actions are right for you? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are unable or unwilling to identify things in your life that could be deemed dangerous and toxic to a good person and work hard on fixing those things? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are so damaged from prior relationships that when someone displays love and kindness to you subconsciously push them away or sabotage it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Lastly, you don’t love yourself? If so, you’re not ready.
Let me leave you this month with a quote from an amazing man who knew more about love than all of us combined, and touched more people’s hearts than any of us could ever hope to. “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ~ Bob Marley
P.S. I am starting an exclusive club in Denver called The Modern Dater Club that will be chock-full of prescreened viable daters who will be individually screened by me, and I will have fun, small, preplanned excursions for you to take part in. If you have interest in finding out more information you can personally email me on the contact page on www.themoderndater.com. Until we meet again! ~ Sheik