One ring to rule them all.
One ring to find them.
One ring to bring them all,
and in the darkness
bind them.
The one ring. The most powerful ring created in Middle Earth was crafted by the Dark Lord, Sauron, in the fire that’s also known as Mount Doom. It was created to exercise control over all of the other rings of power. Sauron hoped to gain lordship over the elves and all the races in Middle Earth.
Now I’ve wondered this. There were 19 total rings. Three rings went to elves. Seven went to dwarfs. Nine rings went to men. So now, under the Dark Lord Polis who do you think has those rings? As a dwarf it’s clear Kyle Clark has at least one of them. I think the Dark Lord gave The Denver Post a ring. Tay Anderson has a ring. Clearly Councilwoman CdeBaca has a ring. Norm Brownstein has a ring. It looks like Brittany Bowlen is about to get a ring. Leroy Garcia has a ring. Ian Silverii and Brittany Pettersen have to share a ring because they’re married. John Hickenlooper, one of the enlightened dwarfs, will probably get his ring back in November. Don’t kid yourself, Cory Gardner is not an elf. The traitor Republican turned Biden supporter Ryan Call has a ring. Ted Trimpa has a ring. As the King of men, Phil Anschutz has a ring.
I know you’re all thinking, who is the Gollum? It’s Michael Hancock. He had a ring but he lost it.
Remember, Gollum was once a hobbit, which leads us to hobbits. If you are a true Tolkien fan, you remember when Frodo and Sam get back from the great adventure the Shire has turned into a homeless camp. Unlike the movie, in the book at the end the Shire looks like the State Capitol in August.
If you’re out there searching for a good wizard as in The Return of the King I don’t think Colorado has one. You and I spend our time looking for Gandalf and we keep coming back with the one ring that can control them all. So using his ring of power, Polis now rules high school football can begin again. Your Denver Broncos can play again but John Bandimere has to stay shut down. Certain restaurants can open, certain cafes must close. So the Dark Lord picks who wins, who loses. Businesses that open and businesses that need to go. The Dark Lord is never indecisive, his leadership is all bold. As it gets colder now how will dwarves and elves be able to eat outside without the blessing of the Dark Lord?
And remember, one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. The State Capitol. The ring can’t be tossed away or forgotten about. It always returns.
— Peter Boyles