evil Santa Claus grimaces and scares a terrible face on a dark background
The jolly old fat man who broke into my father’s house every 24th of December left me with nothing but disappointment. Why did Santa always know I needed new underwear and socks? I was gypped. Where was the pony with the saddle on it so I could look like Roy and Gene? Heavy disappointment has always followed me through the holidays. Because now I’m in contact with Bad Santa.
He’s got a list of naughty and nice and there’s not much nice. He will be visiting the homes of the following and putting the following items in their stockings:
Governor Polis. Coming down the chimney at the mansion careful not to wake the children, a copy of Tax Returns For Dummies. Hint, hint.
Mayor Michael Hancock. Santa’s mind boggles at the amount of things that could be placed in Mikey’s carefully hung stocking. A divorce decree, a one-way ticket out of town during a no fly without a mask, and slip out the back door and move to Florida when this whole fiasco ends.
Senator Michael Bennet. Santa doesn’t know where to hang the stocking. By the way, he hasn’t seen much of you or Senator Hickenlooper. Part of Santa’s job is to know where people are to know if they are naughty or nice and as Santa said to me about their whereabouts, “Peter, it beats the hell out of me.” So perhaps they caught a break.
Tay Anderson. There’s a guy that Santa really has a case against. Santa has figured Tay out. Tay is running the long con. Tay, in the lexicon of organized crime, is a good earner. Santa predicts Tay will stuff his own stocking with a plan to replace Rep. Diana DeGette.
Kyle Clark. An unlimited amount of pomade for his hair, a little hair dye, and a certificate for $500 at Kohl’s men’s department. Geez Kyle, some of those sport coats my Grandma could have made into a quilt.
Councilwoman Amanda Sawyer. A dead horse’s head in the stocking for her and her Emerge sisters for scheming to destroy 8th Avenue and its residents.
To media mudslinger self-important gadfly Jason Salzman. Truth serum.
But Santa would like to recognize some of the good little boys and girls:
Like Ted Trimpa and Arash Mosaleh, America’s fun couple. The gift of love and happiness.
The Mayor of Glendale, Mike Dunafon. A huge thanks for developing Glendale. Santa loves Glendale. In particular he loves to go to Shotgun’s after all the toys have been delivered.
Tom Tancredo. Santa sends all of his love to the best politician Colorado’s ever had. Santa loves Tom.
Rep. Lauren Boebert. Santa wants to give her a couple of boxes of .45s.
Santa misses John Elway and Pat Bowlen. Santa has limited time for local television news and doesn’t even know where to park his sleigh.
Santa likes Mandy Connell. Santa listens to Mandy every day. Santa’s grateful for being able to dodge lawsuits for another 12 months.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, and have a merry multi-cultural Christmas.
— Peter Boyles