by Mark Smiley | Feb 26, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Last month I wrote about how to recognize if you are dating someone or in a relationship that you are forcing in order to make it work. I received a lot of response from people who said that article hit home with them and it made many of you think about your current situations. The first step to finding wellness in your life is actually identifying that there is a problem. The next step is figuring out how to eliminate whatever is adversely affecting you, in this case, who you’re dating or in a relationship with. The key is to do it in a productive manner that won’t put you in a hole deeper than you’re already in.
This month’s column is about the dreaded breakup or taking out the trash, if you will. Some of you may think using the term “taking out the trash” may be a bit harsh when it comes to severing ties with someone but, of course, I disagree. First, what is trash? Well, good ol’ dictionary.com defines trash as anything useless, worthless or rubbish. I don’t know about you but if you’ve come to the realization that the person you are choosing to be with is no longer contributing to your life in a productive manner and he/she is stunting your growth and health then indeed they are useless, worthless or rubbish to you and you need to take out the trash.
Sometimes it takes years to figure out if something or someone is trash in your life. Denial is a huge factor when it comes to identifying trash. Because remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Sometimes trash is obvious and you know to throw it away immediately because it’s rotten or it stinks. Other times trash is a lot less obvious; you know what I’m talking about because we all have a tendency to hold on to things “just in case.”
“I’m not going to throw away these 20 pair of old holey socks because I may need them someday,” when we know good and well they are just taking up room in the sock drawer and they will continue to until something is done about it. How about all that “stuff” stacking up in the basement or garage that you “need” when you know good and well it’s just glorified trash cluttering your home. Sometimes the hardest trash to throw out are the items that have been around for a while and have grown to be sentimental to you even though those things do nothing for your life in the present, nor will they in the future.
The same analogy goes for people. The obvious people who are rotten and stink up your life are fairly easy to rid yourself of, mostly because you’ve made up your mind that there is no room in your life for them. But what about the people you’re dating or in a relationship with who you have an emotional tie with or you see redeeming qualities in them but you know they’re not good for you? Should all trash be discarded equally or should more consideration be put into ending your connection with someone you want the best for? I say yes, yes, you should put more thoughtful effort into breaking up with someone whose only fault is living their life in a way that is not conducive to how you want to live yours.
We humans get so caught up in the blame game and projecting on to others how we would live our lives in hope the person that we’re with will start to see things our way. If you are, stop pointing fingers and attacking someone’s character because you want a reason to justify a breakup. Don’t try blowing things up and make it personal so anger can be your excuse to hang your hat on as to why things aren’t working. Here are a few different ways to look at, or phrase things when you’re trying to navigate the waters of a breakup and not sink your own ship, or theirs, while doing so.
- Rather than saying, “you will never get how I feel!,” understand they are not you, and they may never think like you, and that’s ok. Try saying this instead, “I understand we think differently, but instead of forcing how I think, or what I would do in a situation with you, I have decided it’s best for us to understand that we are both different and we need to be with more like minded individuals.”
- Rather than saying something personal or hurtful like, “you’re a bum and you will never amount to anything” try this; “You may be working hard according to your standards but I am at the point in my life where our work ethic is different and rather than me being upset with you about it I think it’s best I let you go, so we can both strive at our own pace.”
- Rather than saying, “I am tired of you lying about everything,” try saying, “It’s unfortunate that we are at the point in our relationship where we have to be dishonest with each other because it’s become easier to just lie rather than tell the truth, and I want you to be with someone who you feel comfortable expressing yourself to.”
I could keep going but I think you get the point. A breakup doesn’t have to be an undressing of another person’s actions or character. A breakup should be two people who care about the other person’s needs and plight in life. Just because being with someone isn’t working for you, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be perfectly compatible with someone else. All I want you to keep in mind is we are all people just trying to find our way in this world and not everyone is going to be right for you. Lead with your heart, stay true to what’s important to you, and most of all keep it classy.
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club that I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail.com. And if you own a fun date-friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Feb 2, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
As adults why do we constantly try and make things fit in to our lives when we know good and well it doesn’t make sense or belong? As little kids we took the “square peg, round hole” aptitude test where we learned quickly that if the shape didn’t fit in the hole to move on and find the proper piece that would fit. Sure there were those kids who continually tried to force the object into the wrong hole but after many unsuccessful attempts and much frustration they would eventually move on and look for the right combination.
What happened to those abilities when it comes to our intimate relationships as adults? I am not preaching here or excluding myself from this conversation, I’m guilty of trying to force things to work when I know deep down inside that it won’t. Have we been so beaten down by life and failure that we believe it’s easier to take what you have, although it’s not working, rather than put whatever, or in this case whomever, aside and search for the right match? More and more I am seeing people in relationships putting more work into forcing things to be right rather than spending that energy finding what’s right for them. Have we really become so fear and guilt driven that we have forgotten about the basic fundamentals of life?
I want everyone who is reading this right now to think of a time in their life where something worked out when you tried to force it to. How did that work out for you? I may come across as cold when I say this but I have zero desire at this point in my life to run uphill battles when I know better. There is no more room in my life for that madness. I hope you feel the same about your life.
The following is a quick reference you can use to determine if you’re fighting the good fight with someone you’re dating or in a relationship with, or if you are just trying to stuff whatever you can.
- You find yourself disappointed time and time again by someone’s actions and you hope somehow that will change. Disappointment manifests from failed expectations and expectations come from a personal standard you hold for yourself. Remember not everyone is going to have your same standards, and that’s ok. Rather than trying to change somebody’s standards why not find someone whose standards are similar to yours? Crazy concept I know.
- You find yourself lowering your standards in order to avoid letdown or conflict. This is bad, real bad. The minute you find yourself watering down the things that mean something to you because it’s “easier” you have just failed at life 101. Stay true to thyself.
- You find yourself or your companion bending the truth or making up false reality for the other person just to give the perception that everything is fine or working out. Open communication at all costs never fails. You may not be hearing what you want to but at least you’re living in reality.
- You find yourself seeking other options although you are still together with someone. Red alert, red alert! If you are doing this you are ready to move on. Don’t be one of those selfish people who tries to hold on to whatever they have with someone out of fear of not finding a better situation. You’re doing no one a favor by doing that.
- You find yourself caring for a person but you’re not in love with them. This is a tough one because both care and love are similar emotions in the sense that they both weigh on your heart. Regardless, when you are dealing with emotion you need to be smart and determine if the emotion you are feeling for someone is feeding your soul, or draining it. Only you know that answer.
- You find yourself numbing yourself with drugs, food or alcohol. Oh boy, this one is tough because this usually means you are making matters worse for yourself. Not only are you trying to force a situation to work by using substances for suppressing your feelings, you are also jacking up your life and inevitably you will have a mess on your hands. This method is hard to clean up and could have been avoided by just pulling the plug on your intimate association with that person.
The list goes on… But you get the idea. Next month, while I am on the subject of “pulling the plug” on a relationship that doesn’t work for you, I am going to write about what I think a proper breakup should look like. I want you to be happy and healthy and most importantly, you!
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak, I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe, and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail .com. And if you own a fun, date friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Dec 22, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
Well it’s that time of year, New Year resolutions are in full swing. People everywhere, single or otherwise will vow to eliminate, add, refine, start or quit something in their lives in hopes of being a better person moving forward. Okay, now think back to the resolution you made last year. What’s that? You don’t even remember what your resolution was, do you? If any of what I just wrote resonated with you, fear not, I am going to give you a new approach this year that will not only help your overall quality of life but it will also improve your viability as a single dater.
Now open your mind and wrap it around what I’m about to tell you. Think about your relationships with people in your family, think about the people you associate with, think about your job, and think about your daily surroundings, i.e., where and how you live. I bring up these external variables in your life for a reason. More often than not when people are looking to make changes in their lives the first place they start is with themselves rather than looking at their surroundings. Don’t get me wrong, trying to improve yourself by eating better, exercising, or kicking a bad habit is never a bad thing but let’s face it, you and I both know you should constantly be working to better your mind and body. It shouldn’t take a New Year to motivate you to be a better you — try this instead.
This year I want you to take a look around you and I want you to make tough decisions regarding who and what should belong in your life. I want you to keep the following list in mind when you are thinking of potential “resolutions” that will improve your life.
Your Family: This year I resolve to improve my family. People always say that their family is the most important aspect in their lives yet their relationships are in shambles. Think about it… how are you supposed to have a healthy, productive, intimate relationship with a significant other if you can’t even get along with the people you are closest with. I want you to look at individual relationships with the people that are closest to you and figure out if those relationships are productive in your life.
I’m not telling you to do whatever it takes to have a relationship with someone in your family at all cost. In fact quite the contrary, what I am asking you to do is figure out what is wrong with any one relationship and then make a choice on whether that tie to them is fulfilling the requirements needed to be productive and healthy in your life. If you decide knowing that person (mom, dad, sister, brother, whoever) is not adding to your life eliminate them, I don’t care if they are family or not. It is very important to your overall mental and physical health to have the close relationships right.
Your Friends: This year I resolve to eliminate the friends in my life who add nothing to my world. Everyone knows their friends and the effect they have on you. Most friends serve a specific purpose. You have your party friends who you raise hell and get hammered with, they linger in your life from the time when you had nothing better to do than party every night. You have your childhood friends who are held close to your vest no matter what, mostly for reasons of nostalgia. You have your loser friends who every time you hear from them there is a problem. You know these friends, they are high drama, their life is usually in shambles and every time you’re around them there is a crisis and their drama is off the charts.
Of course there are many other types of friends in your life and even some that add to you. That’s the point, just like your relationships with your family you need to address your friends and figure out who is enhancing your life in a positive way and get rid of all others. The people you choose to have around you are a huge variable when it comes to your progress in your life and opportunities they can bestow upon you. If you hang with losers there is a good chance you are one.
Your Surroundings: This year I resolve to tighten up my surroundings. No matter what is happening in my life I always feel better when where I live is in order. Having chaos in your home translates into all aspects of your life. Get your household in order and do the things necessary to ensure you’re comfortable in your downtime. Let’s face it, there are very few things in life that you have complete control over but the environment that you choose to create around you is all you. You are in charge of how you live and how you choose to live there within. Keep things tidy and fresh around your home and you just might find it easier to deal with the rest of this upside down world.
I was told by someone once that whoever you spend New Year’s Eve with will be in your life the rest of the year and I’ve found this to be accurate. With that said, maybe this year you can resolve to simply be around quality people who add to your life. Get rid of the energy leeches in your life and raise your standards and watch your dating viability increase. If you want to find someone great to be with this year start by doing these few things and remember water finds its own level and people do too.
The Modern Dater date club is filling up and the first group of dating excursions hosted by me is going to start happening this month. If you have any interest in how you can be a part of this exclusive dating club just drop me a line at themoderndat er@gmail.com.
Happy New Year!
Your Pal, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Nov 21, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Every December, in the spirt of the holidays, I rip off a Christmas carol and change up the lyrics and I use my column to write a poem. Last year I wrote “Randolph the Unlucky Dater” to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer and I must say I love that piece, if you haven’t had a chance to read it you can find it on www.themoderndater.com.
This year I was inspired by an old friend and mentor of mine, Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle columnist Peter Boyles. A month or two ago I was reading one of Peter’s articles titled “My Life Sucks, Part Two,” when I couldn’t help but be touched by his words, mainly because of how well I know him and how enormous this man’s heart is. Essentially Peter wrote about what it is like for him to be old and lonely and how he feels like finding love has passed him by. I truly believe it is never too late for love and that there is someone for everyone. In that spirit, this year I dedicate my Christmas poem to Peter! So without further ado and many apologies to Frosty the Snowman I present to you, “Talker The Old Man.”
Talker the old man, what a very empty soul,
With a microphone and a radio show, and two ex-wives with half his dough.
Talker the old man, is a lonely guy, they say.
He’s really low, ’cause the ladies know he has a limited time to play.
There must be magic left in his heart that he had found,
Finding true love is what he wants, before he’s six feet in the ground.
Oh, Talker, the old man, is alive as he could be;
But the women say I think he’s old and gay,
And he’s not the one for me.
Vroom vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom, Look at his motorcycle go.
Talker the old man, he knew the sun was out that day,
So he said, “Let’s ride, and we’ll have some fun, all I have is today.”
All through the village, with his throttle in his hand,
Searching here and there, for a woman who’s fair,
Sayin’, “there must be one for this old man.”
He burned rubber down the streets of town, where his back tire popped;
He paused for a moment, when he heard her holler, “Stop!”
For Talker, the old man, had to hurry on his way,
But when he waved goodbye she had a tear in her eye and they fell in love that day!
The moral to this poem is, Peter, everyone, no matter how hard you look for love, love will always find you. The kicker is you never know when it’s going to happen and you always have to be open and ready.
I want to use my column this Christmas as a gift to Peter, to help love find him. Now more than ever I know he’s ready. This column has a great female readership and I know one of you ladies out there would love to have a man like Pete. I’m not too sure how Peter is going to feel about this but I’m going to roll the dice and work my magic and set him up on some holiday dates. If you’re interested shoot me an email at themoderndater@gmail .com with a photo and a few words about yourself and why you think you would be a good match for Pete. Because I know Peter as well as I do, I think I have a good idea of his type of lady. If you fit that type I’ll set up a date. Of course I will write a follow up article that will update you on Peter’s journey to find love.
In other news The Modern Dater date club is shaping up with a great group of single men and women from the Denver area. The club is big enough now that we can all go on some great excursions that I am cooking up. If you want in on The Modern Dater club drop me an email and I’ll give you more information on how you can join in.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I look forward to talking to you all again next year!
Your Pal,
Santa Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Oct 24, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
I don’t know about you but this has been the most profound year of my life. The life lessons that I have experienced have truly been like nothing that I have ever witnessed before. Without question I have felt both sides of every situation and scenario you can imagine — personally, professionally, physically and emotionally. I’ve felt more confident than ever and I’ve been unsure about everything, I received more love than I thought was humanly possible and I’ve never been so alone. I discovered sides of me that I love and cherish and sides of me I never want to see again.
I’ve learned we are all doing the same thing, running the same race and facing the same life challenges. We’re all just trying to make our way through this life as humans, fallible human beings. We are people who depend and rely on each other in various capacities, physically, financially, and emotionally. We do and should expect a certain amount of safety from those with whom we associate in our romantic and platonic relationships.
So, undoubtedly as humans, we all will be let down by someone else’s actions, or by someone exercising their free will, if you will. The will, or need for someone to do something or fulfill something burning inside of them, may affect others’ lives because of their actions. The outcome of someone exercising their humanly free will can be positive or negative depending on the perception of the affected recipient(s).
You, me, us, the recipients, can either understand each other as humans. People are emotionally driven and on any given day we can be happy, sad, healthy, sick, loving, twisted, functional, crazy, you name it… If the emotion exists, you’re not excluded from feeling it.
Here’s where logic can trump emotion and will save you a lot of aggravation and heartache if you break it down in its most simplistic form. It is up to me/you to decide what and who works best in our human lives. It is up to us to seek intimacy and true reality and it is up to us to be actively in charge of our mental and physical health. We must not allow shallow relationships that are based on others reframing our reality by projecting perceptions of euphoria that cater to telling us what we want to hear. Humans have a tendency to do this so that their free will isn’t questioned, judged or challenged.
You, my friends, have the free will to be and conduct yourself in any fashion you desire and do whatever it is that makes you happy without my scrutiny or judgment. All I ask in return is that you offer me unfiltered, unfettered, unencumbered reality so that I can base what capacity you fit in my life.
Let’s face it, if you’re single and actively dating you are dealing with strangers. Strangers who may or may not have your best interest in mind and could potentially turn your life upside down, and most of the time we allow it. We, more often than not, like to give people the benefit of the doubt and sometimes look past things because we refuse to believe people don’t act or react to certain situations. We put it all out there in the manner we would and when they don’t, it’s letdown city. They may not have done anything wrong or they didn’t mean any harm by telling a little white lie, but it hurts nonetheless because we may expect a certain outcome that we’ve created in our minds.
Do me a favor and try this… Try to open up your mind when you’re dating. Allow people to be human, allow them to be comfortable with how they act and what they say. Be more forgiving and understanding to their plight in life instead of yours. Get to know the people you’re dating for who they are, the more comfortable they are the less likely they will feel the need to tell you what you want to hear instead of what they want to say. Watch their actions and listen closely to what they have to say and base if you want to continue your association with them by who they are, not who you want them to be. Stay true to yourself and your needs first, and who knows, if it doesn’t work out you may have just gained a friend, a friend you actually know for who they are!
As a side note: As you may or may not know I have created The Modern Dater Club and it is shaping up nicely! The Modern Dater Club is exclusive to singles who want to go on preplanned excursions with other singles that are created and hosted by me. If you want more information about The Modern Dater Club and how you can become a part of it you can contact me directly at themoderndater@gmail.com. Don’t forget to tune into my dating related radio show every Saturday evening at 7 p.m. on 630 KHOW or grab the podcasts on www. themoderndater.com.
Your pal, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Sep 29, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
It’s sad that I have to start out my column this month by warning those of you who are easily offended or so politically correct minded that this article may upset you. If you are either of those types just do us all a favor and stop reading now. For the rest of you, carry on!
This month I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting about some of the different “types” of women I have dated over the years and I thought it would be fun to illustrate a few examples. Please keep in mind I have dated and been in relationships with well-adjusted women who don’t fall into any of the categories that I have created. But let’s face it, writing about those women would just be plain boring to read. Also keep in mind I am not singling out women just to single them out. The fact of the matter is that I am not homosexual
and my dating experiences come from women, plain and simple. So ladies, I am sure you have some “types” of guys that you and your girlfriends have labeled as well and I would love to hear about them and include them in my next column if you email me at the moderndater@gmail.com.
Ok, now let’s get to the good stuff. Here are a few “types” of women that I have dated. Remember some women may possess a bit of each one of these but I am going to break them down by naming them individually.
Ms. Damaged Goods: This poor soul has been wrecked by life and relationships and she has no idea where to begin picking up the pieces. By nature she is sweet to a fault and that is a huge component to why she is so damaged. Personally I am touched by these women because my heart wants them to feel healed and ready for life but in my experience it is too hard to help them without it affecting my life in an adverse way.
The Daughter: Ok, now don’t be a perv, this is not an incestuous situation. Let me explain. Many men, including myself, like to date women our junior for many reasons. I’ll save that explanation as to why for an entirely different article. I have always said I feel like I raised three or four different women because it is natural for me to share my life experiences with them when I see them making obviously poor choices that I have already gone through in hopes that I can spare them some aggravation from making the same mistakes. Needless to say this is never good in the long run because the roles turn into more of a Father — Daughter relationship than an equal partnership. It’s fun in the beginning though!
The Mother: God bless this woman. Every man loves a caretaker and the mothering type does a great job. She is there for support, advice, stability and just great for an overall soft place to land. The only problem is I’m not physically attracted to you, but I do like the comfort so I have to be careful dating this type when I see it working toward that role.
The Man Hater: Guys, you know this woman. This lady has to have a man in her life yet she hates every one of us and she isn’t afraid to vocalize it. I think the Man Hater started out as Ms. Damaged Goods and just never put it together.
The Man Eater: I find this woman all the time, probably because she’s a challenge. This woman has it together and knows she can play men like a fiddle. She is smart, sexy, and secure in herself and puts out a “I don’t need you” energy and she usually gets whatever she wants when she wants it no matter what she has to do to make it happen.
The Stalker: What can I say about the Stalker that you don’t already know? Just because you eliminated her from your life doesn’t mean she’s gone, in fact, she’s everywhere. She combs through your social media to try and stay up on who you associate with and what you’re doing, she tries to remain in contact with your friends, she makes sure to pop in on you via text, phone and email even though you’ve made it clear you don’t want further contact. This can actually be a very scary thing to deal with.
The Groupie: The ladies are actually very sweet. I don’t care if you’re in show biz or not we’ve all had a groupie. This girl adores you and you can do no wrong and is similar to “Couch Girl” who I’ve written about in the past. She is just a fan of you and she will do just about anything you ask. Don’t mistake her for the Stalker because she actually has your best interest in mind. Be good to her.
The Man Molder: This woman is not dating to find you; she’s dating to find someone who fits an idea in her mind. I have been seeing quite a few of these women as of late for some reason. Whatever notion of where she should be in her life is what she is after. She may be ready to be married or have kids or just have a man to have a man. Forget getting to know each other, whatever is in her mind is what she will want you to be regardless of who you are or what you want. This woman scares the bejeezus out of me.
I could keep this going forever but my column is only allowed to be so long so I have to stop here. I do want to hear about the types of people you date, man or woman, just email me! Lastly don’t forget about my new Modern Dater Club where viable Colorado daters meet up to go on fun excursions together that are prearranged and hosted by me. The first outing will start with a happy hour and then a limo ride to a cooking school where singles pair off and rotate while we assemble a feast that we will all partake in at the end. Super excited to introduce “Circle Cooking” to you and if you would like more info on how you can be a part of this exclusive club just email me or hit me up on www. the moderndater.com. See you there!
Your pal, Sheik
