by Mark Smiley | Aug 3, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
The similarities between dating and politics are uncanny. Much like politicians, people in the dating world seem to have these “political” tendencies.
- Politicians customize their stances and communication to whomever is listening in fear of not being liked or being scrutinized for expressing their true thoughts.
- Much like politicians, some daters will just plain lie to your face in order to further their own personal agenda.
- Just like party politics, most daters won’t step outside of the box and date people who may differ from their typical “type,” those with whom they usually associate. If you don’t try something new you’ll always get what you’ve always had.
- Politicians are always on their best behavior until they are elected. Once voted into office all bets are off and they do whatever they want. This is much like dating because some people, once they settle into a relationship, stop doing all the things they used to do until they gain emotional power over you.
- Politicians dress to the nines and they focus more on their public appearance than the quality of their character. Daters tend to do the same thing… It’s great to look good, but not so great if that’s the only thing they have to offer.
Those are just a few similarities I see between politics and dating, and you know the saying, “never trust a politician.” I believe the same thing should be said about people who are dating. Never trust a dater.
So why do I have my face on Donald Trump this month? However you feel about Donald Trump’s politics is irrelevant. The Donald is speaking his mind and the realness in his messages and stances are straightforward and he doesn’t care who he pisses off. You will love him, hate him, take him, or leave him, but he is not pulling any punches.
I wish daters would do the same as The Donald when it comes to dating and building relationships. It would make things much easier for people when they are trying to wade through the shark infested dating pool. Single people everywhere would benefit greatly all the way around if they would just be themselves at all costs, regardless of how it is received. Take a chance and be yourself and you may just be surprised by who is attracted to you because of it.
Trump is gaining steam with American voters in his presidential run because he isn’t afraid to do what’s tough and isn’t concerned about what he loses along the way. That’s a big risk, but this approach may pay dividends for him down the road. If you’re a dater looking for love, this style of all costs transparency may just be the way to go if you want to come out ahead in the long run.
Keep focused on the dating trail.
Your pal, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Jun 25, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Whatever your opinion is of Bruce Jenner taking on his new identity, Caitlyn Jenner, you have to respect the courage it took her to be and act in a way that completes her and gives her personal ease. Personal ease is a very elusive notion that spans way beyond being “able to sleep at night,” taking it much further.
Having the ability to share what moves you on the inside without being affected by judgement from the outside world is a very liberating way to live. Is it easy to do? No. Of course it’s not easy. Unfortunately, the day and age we live in promotes a social norm standard that insists people think and live a certain way, and when you don’t, you are opening yourself up to ridicule, scrutiny and abandonment. You’ve heard the saying, “what will the neighbors think?”
I get how scary it is to open your life up. There is much you can lose by expressing yourself in a way that’s true to your own beliefs, wants, needs and desires. But what are you gaining by being such a suffocated soul? How well do the people you associate with really know YOU? That’s a serious question…
How well do people actually know you? Moreover, how well do you actually know them? Are you truly able to develop true intimate relationships with people who project who they want you to believe they are? Or worse, with people who hide or tell nothing of substance about themselves to you? Are these strawman relationships worth having?
I’m not saying you have to be a bleeding heart to everyone you meet and wear everything about yourself on your sleeve. What I am saying is relationships are not even worth creating on a false premise. They’re as fake as the people who are afraid to put themselves “out there” in a true manner. I know we all dance to a different beat, but at the same time we all have a need to be accepted. Here is what you’re missing out on by living your life driven by fear, fear to be yourself.
- If there are things burning inside you that you refuse to express or unearth you may be missing the solace of finding a likeminded person to share that passion.
- If you are suppressing feelings from your past because they hurt too much or you are ashamed of something you did keeping that bottled up will only push you further away from the people who want to be close to you but give up at some point because the mountain that is you is too hard to climb.
- Finding an intimate relationship with an open soul person will be next to impossible. Sooner or later they will want to know YOU and all the time you spend hiding and suppressing will catch up to you and they will eventually be drawn in a different direction, away from you.
- Living as a shell is lonely. You’re never truly fulfilled and you never will be until you liberate whoever you are and who the person is that you’re afraid to reveal. Nothing sadder than two shells that attach themselves together in a relationship. Or as I like to call it “strangers on the same couch.”
- You’re missing out on life! Life in the sense of being liberated by people having no mistake about who you are and your proclivities. It’s a weird thing… Once you put yourself out there the relationships you develop WILL have meaning. People will believe in you only as much as you believe in yourself. When that spiritual shift takes place you will be on the way to the personal ease I referred to earlier.
Again, I don’t know how you feel about Caitlyn Jenner, and truthfully I don’t care. It’s just very sad to me Bruce spent most of his existence on this earth building fake relationships when he could have been true to his own needs. Time is very precious so if there is something keeping you from opening up and singing your truth about who you are I encourage you to find a way to expose yourself. I promise you’ll be better for it and you will start really enjoying the people you choose to have relationships with because you’ll know they will like you for who you are rather than who you want them to think you are.
Enjoy yourself.
Your pal, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | May 22, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Communication is easy right? You just open your mouth and let your thoughts turn into words and voila! Now we’re talking. I guess talking to each other is that easy if you’re just trying to get your point across, no matter how it’s received. All of us know by now (or should) that it isn’t what you have to say, but it’s how you say it. How you talk with people plays a key role in communicating your message, and ultimately whatever message you are trying to convey will result in an action, or a response from the other person. I’m guessing most people want positive responses from the words that they choose to use.
And yes, I am going to use my column this month to give guys a few tips on how to talk to women. That’s right, how. Not what to say to women, but how to talk to them. I would think the following tips I give you are common knowledge but I am shocked by some of the interactions I see with men and women when they first meet. Seriously, sometimes I’m shocked to the point that I cringe and think to myself what in the world is he doing? I feel creepy just witnessing this. Ladies I guess you can stop reading right here since none of the following pertains to you, but I know you won’t.
First, I have to state a few qualifiers before I start my list. Yes, I believe men and women need to be communicated to differently especially in a dating atmosphere. Yes, I am a guy and of course my point of view is going to be from a male perspective. Yes, I believe women more so than men need to be verbally stimulated. After all, first impressions are everything right? All the women just said yes to that question and most guys are thinking well she can be kinda rude and bitchy if she’s hot. Okay, let’s go!
- When you first meet and even shortly thereafter meeting a woman, don’t make creepy sexual innuendoes off of the words they say. You know what I’m saying, the whole “that’s what she said” kind of thing. Playing off a woman’s words and turning them into something perverted is a sure way to freak her out. The crazy thing about this advice is that it freaks her out at first but once you gain their trust women can be just as vulgar as guys. Weird how it works that way.
- Women like to be spoken to normally. Just like you would talk to a friend in a casual conversation. Sometimes I even need to catch myself when I am talking to a woman to whom I am attracted, to not start talking weird. Not like saying weird stuff to them, just being unsure of what to say or how to say it. When women sense you feel that they are superior to you they lose interest. She no longer associates you in her mind as an alpha male. To simplify, just treat them the same as the girl you know you could get.
- Don’t talk like a braggadocios jerk. Women hate a guy that brags or talks himself up. Just like I said earlier that a woman wants to be verbally stimulated she also wants to find out things about you organically. There is no better position to be in than when a lady wants to learn more about you. Let her decide where her curiosity takes her imagination.
- Do not, I repeat do not set an argumentative tone to your communicating. Playful verbal exchanges back and forth are great, and encouraged, but plain heated debates are a total turn off.
- Keep your communication fun, funny, upbeat and positive! If there is one lasting piece of advice that I hope would stick it would be this one. Guys, keep it light, keep it real and keep them wanting more.
I believe in the art of communicating and I embrace the differences between men and women. I have been in the business of communications for many years and I know the power of conversation. Remember, it’s not what you say but it’s how you say it and how your words are received. Choose your words wisely and be aware the next words that come out of your mouth can be taken many ways. Try to deliver them so someone might want to listen.
Lastly, the Modern Dater Date Club is about to be launched! If you want in just shoot me an email at themoderndater@ gmail.com and I’ll send you more info on upcoming gatherings. Thanks for reading!
— Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Apr 24, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Would you date yourself? No seriously, are you the type of person that has the qualities that you look for in a potential long-term partner? Believe it or not there are quite a few similarities between building a product or a brand and dating. Let me explain…
When a business person is building a brand they have various goals to keep in mind before marketing their product to consumers. The key to building a solid brand is complicated but then so is dating, so this month I want to use this article to help you build your own personal brand (you’re the brand) resulting in an increase in your marketability. Here’s a quick rundown of things to keep in mind when you’re developing Brand You.
- Identify the demographic that you want to market yourself to and then begin your market research. Research what type of consumer (or sect of the dating pool) you are looking to target. Once you have identified and listed a handful of notable desires and needs that seem to have a consistent theme throughout your demo you can then move to the next step.
- Let’s just say for the sake of example that you have concluded that your desirable demo is looking for active, well off, established, honest, clean, family-oriented, honest people who enjoy travel, good food, intimacy and communicating. That’s a lot I know, but just an example for sure. Who knows, you might want someone who can burp louder than you and likes the same fast food restaurants. It doesn’t matter; the point is figure out what you want so you can market yourself to them properly.
- Now that you know who your consumer is, how do you develop your brand so that it has market appeal and gets noticed and purchased before your competition? This step is product development and at this stage you have to be very mindful of your potential consumer and not lose focus on creating a market niche for yourself. It always cracks me up when people want the world but they don’t have squat to offer. It’s like the world owes them a wonderful life yet they have nothing to offer the world.
- Now it’s time to start inventing your brand and remain patient during its development. The last thing you want to do is rush to market before its completion. Take the time to really get it together; if you’re broke save a few bucks; if you dress like a slob and you’re unkempt get yourself cleaned up; if you’re sketchy and untrustworthy start working on building your honor; if you never leave the city limits start exploring outside of your area; if you lack the ability to communicate effectively reach out to someone who can communicate for pointers. Whatever the case may be, once you figure out what your desired dating demo is looking for make sure you invent your brand accordingly.
- Taking your brand to market is your final step. Just like any good brand they market directly to their desired consumer. Example: you won’t find any erectile dysfunction commercials running in the middle of cartoons on Sunday morning. For obvious reasons, the business who owns the brand would just be wasting their time, money and resources on an audience that could give two sticks about their product. Translation, if you’re looking for a family oriented, career-minded person who loves to unwind at night by cooking a meal together and sharing it over a glass of wine, you probably won’t meet that person at a dive bar on Colfax. Market your brand smartly and don’t compromise it because you want to settle on the first taker. Test your brand a few times and see what the market has to offer before you sell out.
Lastly and most importantly, be yourself, just be the best self you can be and start putting thought into being someone you would actually want to date or commit to. If more people were conscious about who they are, what they want and what it takes to get there in a productive way we would all save time and energy by avoiding crappy products (people) who don’t last and end up getting tossed aside like yesterday’s news.
Announcement time! A lot of exciting things are going on in my world and I am very proud to share them with you! Most of you may know I host a radio show named The Modern Dater Show. TMD is a very fun part of my life and it allows me to meet tons of great people and see so many great bars, restaurants and events. Through that experience I really fell in love with the great state of Colorado and our culture. I really enjoy great food, drinks and friends and exploring the booming food and beverage that we are so blessed to have. Therefore I am thrilled to tell you about my new radio project with world-renowned Chef Jesper Jonnson called The Modern Eater which will air every Saturday at 6 p.m. on iHeart Radio and 630 KHOW starting May 16!
Lastly, The Modern Dater Date Club is on the brink of launching and FYI, last month when I said I had many more women than men who were interested and put a call out for guys to contact me, you fellas stepped up to the plate and evened things out! Fantastic! Now it’s last call for everyone out there who is interested in joining this exclusive club of relationship-minded people who are looking to go on low pressure singles excursions, hosted by me of course. Don’t let this pass you by, hit me up at themoderndater@gmail.com for details. Now get started on your brand and happy dating!
Your pal, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Mar 27, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
I don’t know about you but one of my biggest fears in life is being in a committed relationship with someone only to end up as a couple of strangers on the same couch, together, forever. For those of you wondering what I’m talking about let me explain… Strangers on the same couch are couples who no longer have any desire to talk with each other or share intimate thoughts with their partner. Couples never start out as strangers on the same couch but if you’re not very careful you may wind up sharing your most valuable down time in a personal prison with a mysterious cell mate. No thank you.
First I am going to share with you signs that you may be in a “strangers on the same couch” situation, or you’re heading in that direction fast.
- Most of your conversations with your partner are very short and blasé. You know, “How was your day?” “What’s for dinner?” “Is there anything good on the tube tonight?” You get the picture. Making small talk is a lot easier and safer than actually talking about something important in your life.
- You find yourself closer to a cubicle mate or a co-worker than you do your partner. The day that it dawns on you that you express yourself without hesitation with strangers or acquaintances but you bite your lip at home because you don’t want to start a fight or be judged you might just be with a stranger on the same couch.
- Let’s face it, sitting next to someone on a couch in silence for hours gives you a lot of time to think and plan. When you’re thinking of things you want to do or things you want to experience are you wanting to include that lump sitting next to you? If not, you are definitely a stranger on the same couch.
- Do you find yourself trying to avoid the metaphoric couch altogether? This is an advanced stage of the Stranger on the Same Couch Syndrome. When you’re at this stage something has to give and you’re either going to shut down everything that is you and give into the couch, or you’re going to freak out one day and jump out the window in order to escape.
- Are you constantly on your computer or laptop “working” so you have some kind of contact with people other than your couch stranger?
Some of you reading this can really identify with what I am talking about because you are living it now or you have lived like this before. Others of you may not be quite there yet but you find yourself slip sliding in that direction. The obvious solution for me would be to blow things up and push the reset button and see where the chips fall. I’m a keep it real guy at all costs because I know the price to pay is more than I’m willing to give. I have to be me, and you have to be you, anything short of that is fake and I can’t do fake. Some people can do fake though and those people scare the heck out of me. You know who I’m talking about… These people tell you what you want to hear, they give you false reality, they tell you what you “need to know” about themselves, they have more buried in them than King Tut’s tomb. They would rather lie when the truth would do.
If you’re anything like me you’re searching for true love and you want to share yourself with someone completely. In order for me to gift to someone the purest essence that makes up me and my heart I have to know that I am being afforded that same gift in return. Well, that and she has to be hot and witty. Probably too much to ask seeing as though I haven’t found all the puzzle pieces but I’ve been close a couple of times, real close.
All I can tell you speaking from a ton of dating and relationship experience is that if you don’t want to end up being a stranger on the same couch with someone is to set personal standards with whomever you’re dating when you feel you want to start taking things more serious with each other. Foresight, prevention and communication will be your strongest allies in your plight for a fun, productive, honest, enjoyable relationship. Just like I mentioned earlier, couples never start out as strangers on the same couch, it’s something that happens over time and it is up to you to make sure it doesn’t happen and you need to be aware when you see it happening and be prepared to address it.
When you are in the fun, open, no-expectations phase of your dating, point out certain situations or intimate times you are having so you have a reference point or a marker, if you will, of a time when you were able to be real and have fun together. Fight for the best in your personal life and who you choose to share it with. You deserve it!
Lastly, the Modern Dater Date Club is about to be launched! A couple of things, it looks like we have a great group of daters who contacted me but there is a problem. I never in a million years thought I would find myself saying these words but here goes… There are not enough guys! Blah, I feel weird but it’s true. Most of the people who have contacted me (like 80 percent) are women, tons of women. What’s up with that guys? Or are all of my readers ladies? Either way here’s your chance guys, email me at themoderndater@gmail.com (yes ladies, you can too) and get ready for some “Circle Cooking” with some of Denver’s finest single ladies.
Hope you’re enjoying spring, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Feb 26, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Last month I wrote about how to recognize if you are dating someone or in a relationship that you are forcing in order to make it work. I received a lot of response from people who said that article hit home with them and it made many of you think about your current situations. The first step to finding wellness in your life is actually identifying that there is a problem. The next step is figuring out how to eliminate whatever is adversely affecting you, in this case, who you’re dating or in a relationship with. The key is to do it in a productive manner that won’t put you in a hole deeper than you’re already in.
This month’s column is about the dreaded breakup or taking out the trash, if you will. Some of you may think using the term “taking out the trash” may be a bit harsh when it comes to severing ties with someone but, of course, I disagree. First, what is trash? Well, good ol’ dictionary.com defines trash as anything useless, worthless or rubbish. I don’t know about you but if you’ve come to the realization that the person you are choosing to be with is no longer contributing to your life in a productive manner and he/she is stunting your growth and health then indeed they are useless, worthless or rubbish to you and you need to take out the trash.
Sometimes it takes years to figure out if something or someone is trash in your life. Denial is a huge factor when it comes to identifying trash. Because remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Sometimes trash is obvious and you know to throw it away immediately because it’s rotten or it stinks. Other times trash is a lot less obvious; you know what I’m talking about because we all have a tendency to hold on to things “just in case.”
“I’m not going to throw away these 20 pair of old holey socks because I may need them someday,” when we know good and well they are just taking up room in the sock drawer and they will continue to until something is done about it. How about all that “stuff” stacking up in the basement or garage that you “need” when you know good and well it’s just glorified trash cluttering your home. Sometimes the hardest trash to throw out are the items that have been around for a while and have grown to be sentimental to you even though those things do nothing for your life in the present, nor will they in the future.
The same analogy goes for people. The obvious people who are rotten and stink up your life are fairly easy to rid yourself of, mostly because you’ve made up your mind that there is no room in your life for them. But what about the people you’re dating or in a relationship with who you have an emotional tie with or you see redeeming qualities in them but you know they’re not good for you? Should all trash be discarded equally or should more consideration be put into ending your connection with someone you want the best for? I say yes, yes, you should put more thoughtful effort into breaking up with someone whose only fault is living their life in a way that is not conducive to how you want to live yours.
We humans get so caught up in the blame game and projecting on to others how we would live our lives in hope the person that we’re with will start to see things our way. If you are, stop pointing fingers and attacking someone’s character because you want a reason to justify a breakup. Don’t try blowing things up and make it personal so anger can be your excuse to hang your hat on as to why things aren’t working. Here are a few different ways to look at, or phrase things when you’re trying to navigate the waters of a breakup and not sink your own ship, or theirs, while doing so.
- Rather than saying, “you will never get how I feel!,” understand they are not you, and they may never think like you, and that’s ok. Try saying this instead, “I understand we think differently, but instead of forcing how I think, or what I would do in a situation with you, I have decided it’s best for us to understand that we are both different and we need to be with more like minded individuals.”
- Rather than saying something personal or hurtful like, “you’re a bum and you will never amount to anything” try this; “You may be working hard according to your standards but I am at the point in my life where our work ethic is different and rather than me being upset with you about it I think it’s best I let you go, so we can both strive at our own pace.”
- Rather than saying, “I am tired of you lying about everything,” try saying, “It’s unfortunate that we are at the point in our relationship where we have to be dishonest with each other because it’s become easier to just lie rather than tell the truth, and I want you to be with someone who you feel comfortable expressing yourself to.”
I could keep going but I think you get the point. A breakup doesn’t have to be an undressing of another person’s actions or character. A breakup should be two people who care about the other person’s needs and plight in life. Just because being with someone isn’t working for you, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be perfectly compatible with someone else. All I want you to keep in mind is we are all people just trying to find our way in this world and not everyone is going to be right for you. Lead with your heart, stay true to what’s important to you, and most of all keep it classy.
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club that I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail.com. And if you own a fun date-friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
