Here Comes Mrs. Claus

by Mark Smiley | Nov 23, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

First off I hope you have a joyful holiday month. I know this time of year can be pretty taxing if life is throwing you a curve ball or if you’re without a companion or family. If you are struggling remember things change, and nothing lasts forever so stay positive and keep working toward creating a better situation for yourself.

And if, God forbid, you are going through a holiday breakup take some advice from Mrs. Claus in the following poem. Go out, have fun, keep it light and move toward finding your own happiness again. The rest will figure itself out. Life doesn’t have to be so serious…

With that thought in mind and apologies to the Christmas classic song, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” I give you my yearly December Christmas poem…

Here Comes Mrs. Claus

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

Vinny and Johnny met her on Tinder,

Along with plenty more men,

Her phone is a ringin’, texts are a dingin’,

She’s searching for love for the night,

So she puts on her stockings in hope of

body rocking,

Mrs. Claus has a hot date tonight.

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus,

She’s single and dating again,

She’s got a bag that’s filled with toys,

Not the kind for girls and boys,

When she walks she jingle jangles,

Oh what a beautiful sight,

So jump in bed and cover your head,

’Cause Mrs. Claus is single tonight!

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

She doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor,

Because she just got back in the game,

Mrs. Claus, a single white female with no children,

Just wants to date and keep it light,

So if you wanna get with Mrs. C you better have

dinner and beer,

’Cause Mrs. Claus is looking for a date tonight!

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

She’ll come back around when the night runs out,

Oh no not the walk of shame again,

If you play your cards right she might give you a call,

Tonight could be your night,

So let’s give thanks to Santa for neglecting

Mrs. Claus,

Because now Mrs. Claus is single tonight!

Have a very Merry Christmas and keep someone warm, your pal Sheik.

Bring Home To Mom Check List

by Mark Smiley | Nov 2, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

It’s that time of year daters! That’s right the holidays are here and you have to decide if anyone you’re dating is worthy of meeting your family. Let’s face it, some people are dateable but have no business being introduced to your family. We all know how judgmental family can be and for some reason bringing someone home to meet mom is taken very seriously. I thought I would help out by creating a little check list for you that you can use as a guideline to determine if your date will be eating drumsticks with Aunt Marge or if you should just plan to meet for drinks after your turkey dinner. My rule is not to bring anyone to meet the family unless you’re in a committed relationship but other people are more daring than I so here goes…

1. First impressions are everything and remember how judgmental family is. Make sure your date doesn’t ooze sex appeal. You don’t want the whispers behind your back from the women in your family centered on speculating if you’re dating a stripper (even if she is) or not and you don’t want the men in your family hitting on her or making sexual innuendo.
2. Make sure your date can hold a conversation. There is nothing worse than bringing a date to a family function and all they do is smile, chuckle occasionally and give one word responses when someone addresses them. There is pressure around meeting someone’s family so just make sure in advance that they don’t mind having conversation with judgmental strangers.
3. Do not bring a level 3 clinger home to meet the fam. If your date has to be attached to your hip in order to be comfortable or to avoid having conversation with your drunken uncle it would be in your best interest not to bring them. If your date can’t let you do your thing your family will automatically determine you have a smotherer on your hands who is going to control your life.
4. Do not bring a date that has no problem downing a bottle of wine before dinner even starts. If your date gets all boozed up there is a good chance something could go wrong, very wrong. Like telling your mom that their ex just got released from jail and is trying to find them.
5. Do not bring someone home that can’t put their phone down to save their life. It’s bad enough being on a date with someone who is on their phone all the time texting, checking email, whatever, but your mom will flat out tell them to get off their phone and put it away. The last thing you need is your mom upset because your date is rude.
6. Bring a date that is not afraid to be helpful or get involved. If you are dating someone and you know they are lazy it would be best if you left them behind. The best quality your date could possibly have in a meet the family situation is being helpful. Need help in the kitchen? Want help with the dishes? Is there anything I can do to help? These are all sentences your date should be capable of saying.
7. Make sure your date has a job or is doing something productive with their time. Unemployed dates are about as unappealing to families as using the bathroom after your dad. Inevitably your date will be asked what they do for a living and if they don’t do squat they will be treated like they have leprosy for the remainder of the evening.
8. Bring a date that is socially aware and that will talk but know what to say. Nothing worse than bringing a date that wants to prove to your family that they know you better than your family does. There are some things that your family doesn’t need to know about you.

If you follow those guidelines you should be fairly safe and have a good time. In fact let me suggest that you cut this article out of the paper and have your potential date read this and agree that they can live up to these standards to ensure there will be no problems. I will even provide a small agreement for them to sign at the bottom.

I ____________________ agree to the terms and conditions that I have just read and promise I will abide by the preceding guidelines set forth by the Sheik to ensure I won’t embarrass you in front of your family at Thanksgiving dinner.

Signed ____________________________

Date    ______________________________

Happy Thanksgiving!

Your pal, Sheik

Riding The Storm Out

by Mark Smiley | Sep 25, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

We’ve all been there in our dating lives — at the point where nothing seems to work and your self-esteem spirals like Alice down the rabbit hole. There are many variables of how and why this horrible mindset of doubt can creep in to your mind and body and start to consume you. This mojo draining phenomena will affect your ability to network in the dating world properly.

Maybe you’ve gained some weight or you’re working through health problems. Maybe you’re working through an injury or personal body image issues stemming from aging or myriad reasons. You might be getting out of a long-term relationship that took a toll on your mind and body leaving you “relationship fat,” or worse, lacking self-worth. Whatever the case is, if you’re not feeling confident about your mind and body, STOP dating!!

Better yet, I forbid you to date! Remember I always say, water seeks its own level and I believe people do too. If you are struggling with the types of things I just described now is no time to market yourself to other human beings. I am aware how difficult it is not to reach out to people when you are at your worst or struggling, but believe me when I tell you that you have to, at least in a romantic way, in order to soften the loneliness or feel better about yourself by being around someone who is as miserable as yourself. I understand misery loves company but you’re just wasting time that could be used to fix yourself, and worse yet, that miserable company may never go away.

Here’s what needs to be done. I call it dating lockdown. As painful as it may be you need to go into survival mode which is a lot like safe mode upon startup of your personal computer. Starting your computer in safe mode allows your computer to start Windows only to search for errors and prevent further damage. Dating lockdown is similar in a sense that you are allowing yourself to go into a mode of thinking that will force you to introspectively take emotional and physical inventory and disallow you from doing any further damage to an already dire situation. Let’s face it, no one is getting any younger around here. The more time you waste accumulating rings around your tree trunk being single, the less viable of a catch you become to the good ones out there.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re on dating lockdown…

1. Dig deep and fight! There is a reason people get depressed and many time psych drugs are not the answer. The body has so many survival mechanisms in place it’s astonishing. There is probably a reason you get sad when you look down and can’t see your feet. The answer to the root of your sadness isn’t a pill; the answer is getting rid of your big fat gut so you can see your Nikes again. By no means am I asking you to be perfect, just be in the best physical shape you that you can be so you are confident about how you look and feel. Sometimes this can be a battle, but a fight worth having nonetheless. The rewards pay dividends in many aspects in your life. Not just romantically.
2. Ask yourself this question… Are you a good person to be around? If you were looking to spend time with someone would you choose yourself? I’m guessing if a lot of us were being honest we’d say no. Do you have people’s best interests in mind or do you do things that only benefit you? Are people’s thoughts and feelings safe with you or do you use them to pass judgement or use them against someone at a later time?
3. Do you have the ability to live for the future and learn from the past rather than having your past drive your future? This is important, I’ve spoken to countless people who are “unable” to do certain things because their past forbids whatever the present may hold, a challenge or otherwise. Just make sure you’re healed enough from your past so that when you are dating again you’re not stunting someone else’s growth because of your personally unaddressed limitations.
4. Are you an overall happy person? I know it sounds cliché but no one will ever make you happy until you’re happy with yourself. How tragic would it be that by some dumb luck you did meet the love of your life but you had no idea what to do with them because you’re not happy with yourself. To me there is nothing more heart breaking than finding someone you have a mad connection with but you’re in two different times in your life.

Dating is like playing cards. It’s all in the odds. When you play cards don’t you want to make every move possible to ensure that hand you’re holding has the best odds or greatest chance of being the winning hand? Give your dating life the same odds for success and stack your deck by doing the hard things it takes to be a viable dater, or just human for that matter.

October date tip! Ask a lady to carve pumpkins with you. Women love doing fun crafty things that remind them of their childhood. Two pumpkins, one bottle of wine and a couple of candles.

Happy Halloween!

Your pal, Sheik

Fantasy Dating

by Mark Smiley | Aug 31, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

Men (and a handful of women) everywhere are gearing up for yet another season of Fantasy Football. Excited fans of the NFL just spent weeks studying stats, watching preseason games and scouting players in order to assemble a fantasy football team that they can be proud of. Hey listen, if you play fantasy football you know what I’m talking about. You want your team to be so well assembled that they steamroll the competition earning you bragging rights for being the best and also a shot at a winning a little pool of money. It actually takes some effort to have a good fantasy team. You need to have a good draft to ensure you have some quality players on your team who will score you some big points! Beyond that, you need to have…

• A roster that has depth so you have options. Nothing worse than losing a game because you didn’t prepare for player bye weeks and unexpected injuries.
• You need to have a well-rounded roster with standout talent in key positions who hog the ball and get their name called a lot on game day.
• You have to be ready to make a big trade when you feel like unloading someone on your roster for a potential new addition who will help your team go all the way.
• You have to constantly monitor the waiver wire for unsigned players who could potentially benefit your team while replacing underperforming players who have become dead weight on your squad.
• Lastly, you have to stay involved with the team of players you have assembled making sure you’re up on all the latest news and reports in order to field what you believe to be the best lineup on any given week.

Sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it? Having a competitive fantasy football team takes a lot of time, commitment, research, attentiveness and last but not least, the desire to have and be the best.

Now if we could get you to put half this effort into your dating or romantic life. Guys, sometime we’re so dumb when it comes to dating it takes a fantasy football analogy in order for you to understand how to date successfully and with a purpose. Let’s break it down…

Why not apply some of the things I just outlined on what it takes to have a bad ass fantasy squad and apply some of that same effort in finding good women to date? Here’s how…

• You are dating, that means date! Assemble the most qualified roster of women you can find and get involved with their lives. The more options you have the less needy or desperate you’ll be come game day, errrrr, I mean date night.
• Constantly monitor your roster of women for the performers and the underachievers. Be prepared to cut the dead weight for better options and don’t forget to reward the ones who are bringing it!
• Get involved! Don’t just date to date. You’re going to lose a good woman to a man who takes interest in their lives and pays attention to their needs. That’s like drafting a killer fantasy team that is destined to win but doesn’t because you neglected it all season long leaving you with a losing effort.
• Don’t waste your time on unproductive players (women) because of emotional ties. Men are pretty loyal, to a fault at times. Once we become a fan of a player (woman) it’s hard for us to let go and accept that love affair may hold a place in our heart forever, but they should no longer be on our roster.

I know a lot of these correlations are pretty tongue in cheek but the more serious point here is this… Guys if you want a kick ass life with a beautiful, productive woman who contributes to your life then put some effort into to the process of getting on. Get in the dating game and spend the time that it takes to ensure you have the odds on your side. Put yourself in the position of being more informed than the next guy out there. You know what it takes to win at fantasy football… Start using that same desire, ambition and attentiveness into your romantic life and you just might land yourself a winner. Now that would be something to really brag about. Good luck on the field and stay safe out there.

Your pal, Sheik

You’re Fired!

by Mark Smiley | Aug 3, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

The similarities between dating and politics are uncanny. Much like politicians, people in the dating world seem to have these “political” tendencies.

• Politicians customize their stances and communication to whomever is listening in fear of not being liked or being scrutinized for expressing their true thoughts.
• Much like politicians, some daters will just plain lie to your face in order to further their own personal agenda.
• Just like party politics, most daters won’t step outside of the box and date people who may differ from their typical “type,” those with whom they usually associate. If you don’t try something new you’ll always get what you’ve always had.
• Politicians are always on their best behavior until they are elected. Once voted into office all bets are off and they do whatever they want. This is much like dating because some people, once they settle into a relationship, stop doing all the things they used to do until they gain emotional power over you.
• Politicians dress to the nines and they focus more on their public appearance than the quality of their character. Daters tend to do the same thing… It’s great to look good, but not so great if that’s the only thing they have to offer.

Those are just a few similarities I see between politics and dating, and you know the saying, “never trust a politician.” I believe the same thing should be said about people who are dating. Never trust a dater.

So why do I have my face on Donald Trump this month? However you feel about Donald Trump’s politics is irrelevant. The Donald is speaking his mind and the realness in his messages and stances are straightforward and he doesn’t care who he pisses off. You will love him, hate him, take him, or leave him, but he is not pulling any punches.

I wish daters would do the same as The Donald when it comes to dating and building relationships. It would make things much easier for people when they are trying to wade through the shark infested dating pool. Single people everywhere would benefit greatly all the way around if they would just be themselves at all costs, regardless of how it is received. Take a chance and be yourself and you may just be surprised by who is attracted to you because of it.

Trump is gaining steam with American voters in his presidential run because he isn’t afraid to do what’s tough and isn’t concerned about what he loses along the way. That’s a big risk, but this approach may pay dividends for him down the road. If you’re a dater looking for love, this style of all costs transparency may just be the way to go if you want to come out ahead in the long run.

Keep focused on the dating trail.

Your pal, Sheik

Who Are You?

by Mark Smiley | Jun 25, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

Whatever your opinion is of Bruce Jenner taking on his new identity, Caitlyn Jenner, you have to respect the courage it took her to be and act in a way that completes her and gives her personal ease. Personal ease is a very elusive notion that spans way beyond being “able to sleep at night,” taking it much further.

Having the ability to share what moves you on the inside without being affected by judgement from the outside world is a very liberating way to live. Is it easy to do? No. Of course it’s not easy. Unfortunately, the day and age we live in promotes a social norm standard that insists people think and live a certain way, and when you don’t, you are opening yourself up to ridicule, scrutiny and abandonment. You’ve heard the saying, “what will the neighbors think?”

I get how scary it is to open your life up. There is much you can lose by expressing yourself in a way that’s true to your own beliefs, wants, needs and desires. But what are you gaining by being such a suffocated soul? How well do the people you associate with really know YOU? That’s a serious question…

How well do people actually know you? Moreover, how well do you actually know them? Are you truly able to develop true intimate relationships with people who project who they want you to believe they are? Or worse, with people who hide or tell nothing of substance about themselves to you? Are these strawman relationships worth having?

I’m not saying you have to be a bleeding heart to everyone you meet and wear everything about yourself on your sleeve. What I am saying is relationships are not even worth creating on a false premise. They’re as fake as the people who are afraid to put themselves “out there” in a true manner. I know we all dance to a different beat, but at the same time we all have a need to be accepted. Here is what you’re missing out on by living your life driven by fear, fear to be yourself.

• If there are things burning inside you that you refuse to express or unearth you may be missing the solace of finding a likeminded person to share that passion.
• If you are suppressing feelings from your past because they hurt too much or you are ashamed of something you did keeping that bottled up will only push you further away from the people who want to be close to you but give up at some point because the mountain that is you is too hard to climb.
• Finding an intimate relationship with an open soul person will be next to impossible. Sooner or later they will want to know YOU and all the time you spend hiding and suppressing will catch up to you and they will eventually be drawn in a different direction, away from you.
• Living as a shell is lonely. You’re never truly fulfilled and you never will be until you liberate whoever you are and who the person is that you’re afraid to reveal. Nothing sadder than two shells that attach themselves together in a relationship. Or as I like to call it “strangers on the same couch.”
• You’re missing out on life! Life in the sense of being liberated by people having no mistake about who you are and your proclivities. It’s a weird thing… Once you put yourself out there the relationships you develop WILL have meaning. People will believe in you only as much as you believe in yourself. When that spiritual shift takes place you will be on the way to the personal ease I referred to earlier.

Again, I don’t know how you feel about Caitlyn Jenner, and truthfully I don’t care. It’s just very sad to me Bruce spent most of his existence on this earth building fake relationships when he could have been true to his own needs. Time is very precious so if there is something keeping you from opening up and singing your truth about who you are I encourage you to find a way to expose yourself. I promise you’ll be better for it and you will start really enjoying the people you choose to have relationships with because you’ll know they will like you for who you are rather than who you want them to think you are.

Enjoy yourself.

Your pal, Sheik