by Mark Smiley | Aug 29, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
So you’re putting yourself out there and you’re dating, congrats. But let me ask you, if the perfect person for you presented themself to you would you even know it? Would you be ready to love and be loved? Would you even know what love is or how to nurture it in a healthy, positive way.
My guess is probably not and I don’t say this to be rude or condescending, I say this because the dating culture has become so self-absorbed with people who chase an idea rather than an actual person, a person who enhances your life rather than pushing you back into the cauldron of toxic, soul crushing relationships.
I look at daters everywhere who scare the daylights out of me. Let’s face it, if you’re reading my column the chances are good that you’re single, and if you’re single there is a good chance it’s for a reason. My experience from interacting with an abundance of unattached people from all walks of life is that they all share one major commonality. They are not single because they “haven’t found the right person,” they are single because they are unmarketable.
Time and time again I see people frantic to attach themselves to someone. I get it. Who wants to be alone and not share intimate moments with someone special? Nobody, unless you’re so beat down by life you just throw in the towel and give up. But for the most part, I do believe people need to feel loved and have a lot of love to give. Newsflash! Your love means squat if you don’t have any substance behind it and/or you don’t know how to display it.
Have you ever heard people say, “everyone I’m interested in being with isn’t into me and everyone who is interested in me, I’m not interested in?” Personally I think that is very telling and it isn’t by chance. It’s because people are always striving for someone better than themselves or someone who they think can fill a void that they’re unable or not willing to fill themselves. But lo and behold, nature takes charge and just like water that finds its own level, humans do too.
Daters everywhere play this sick little song and dance. A song and dance called how can I find someone who fits my idea of what I’m looking for, and then customize a perception about themselves that they project that has nothing to do with who they actually are. Why? Fear I suppose, fear that if the other person catches on to who they really are the other person will run like someone is chasing them with a knife. As well they should if you’re not being genuine.
Being a single guy myself I see this and have lived this exercise in futility first hand. Let’s face it, we could all be in a relationship if we wanted to right this second. What’s the reason we’re not? Answer: because we all want the best, the crème de la crème. But be honest with yourself right now, are you the best you, are you good for someone’s life that is happy, healthy, thriving and ready for honest, untainted love? If your honest answer is no, no you are not ready to provide the same for someone that you want out of them, then please stop. Stop trying to infuse your complicated life into the lives of those who have put in the time to make themselves viable for a loving relationship. Just stop, leave them alone.
Here is a quick check list for you to use to gauge whether you’re ready to love and be loved in a healthy relationship.
- Do you have a tendency to be dishonest and reframe reality so someone will like you? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you get offended by the truth and easily hurt by it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you seek out people to fulfill an idea you have or to fill a void in yourself, i.e., you want a baby; you need money; you want arm candy; you can’t stand to be alone with yourself; your friends are all getting hitched but you’re not; you think being with someone will make you happy when otherwise you are not; and the list goes on… If so, you’re not ready.
- You have jealousy and/or anger issues? If so, you’re not ready.
- You believe the other person should act and react to situations just like you would and if they don’t you get upset? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t understand that humans are fallible and will disappoint you on occasion and you take it very personally? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t believe in letting people exercise their free will and you don’t have the ability to let them do what drives them and then decide if their actions are right for you? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are unable or unwilling to identify things in your life that could be deemed dangerous and toxic to a good person and work hard on fixing those things? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are so damaged from prior relationships that when someone displays love and kindness to you subconsciously push them away or sabotage it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Lastly, you don’t love yourself? If so, you’re not ready.
Let me leave you this month with a quote from an amazing man who knew more about love than all of us combined, and touched more people’s hearts than any of us could ever hope to. “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ~ Bob Marley
P.S. I am starting an exclusive club in Denver called The Modern Dater Club that will be chock-full of prescreened viable daters who will be individually screened by me, and I will have fun, small, preplanned excursions for you to take part in. If you have interest in finding out more information you can personally email me on the contact page on www.themoderndater.com. Until we meet again! ~ Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Aug 1, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
Why is the act of physical intimacy so meaningless these days? Let me rephrase that question…Have you noticed that people find it much easier to casually “hook up” with someone physically rather than sharing something personal about themselves? Is it just me, or is that the buggy before the horse approach? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of casual indiscretions and I am not holding myself above anyone else or passing judgment, but I can’t help but notice that hooking up is no longer taboo or shame ridden after the fact. It’s as normal as shaking hands with someone.
I’m sure most of you remember the days when a drunken night out bar hopping led to a romp in the bedroom with a complete stranger, followed by the walk of shame early the next morning. Nowadays forget about the shame, single (and attached) people are proud of the fact that they were able to achieve physical gratification without sharing anything personal with their partner of the day.
Why is this happening? I have a f
ew opinions on this topic as I’m sure you do too. First, I blame a lot of this casual mentality on technology. Technology has allowed people the opportunity to meet others that they wouldn’t have had the capability of meeting years ago. Gone are the days when you were forced to date people who you actually knew. You know, a friend of a friend, someone you work with, a person your Aunt Betty introduced you to. Those were the days when dating prospects were few and there was an expectation of decorum and chivalry. Why? Because the people you had the opportunity to become romantic with were somehow woven into your life, and not just a stranger who lives across town and is just a dating profile picture with a brief description of who they want you to believe they are.
Think about it, and it only makes sense. Because of technology a single daters pool of prospects went from looking like a pond years ago and now that pond looks more like the Pacific Ocean. Now having your options increased seems like an amazing thing on the surface but the reality is I believe it’s turning us into a bunch of emotionally guarded people who have settled for casual relations. I don’t believe technology daters intend for this to be the outcome, but when they set out to date it inevitably ends up that way.
Here’s why I say that. Dating with a purpose is difficult and if you are truly doing things the proper way in order to form a lasting bond with someone beyond physical attraction, it can be emotionally taxing. Especially if things don’t work out and you have to repeat the process over and over again until the noodle sticks on the ceiling. The emotions and vulnerability of opening up your heart and soul to someone is a scary notion, even more so than exposing your body for gratification and false intimacy.
Who can blame anyone for shutting down when they are looking for love in numerous strangers’ eyes? Thinking about it makes me exhausted. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re using technology to date so you can avoid being just as cold and impersonal as the computer you’re using.
- Keep the number of people you’re dating to a minimum. More is not better in this instance… The larger your dating rotation is the harder it becomes on your personal constitution. Figure out if you’re on the same page as the person you’re dating and remember your long-term emotional needs, not what’s going to satisfy you for the day.
- Keep your casual encounters to a minimum. I say this because the more and more you do something the more your brain and body will get used to it making this pattern of casual false intimacy not only normal to you, but a big part of who you are. This is not a life you want to live.
- Have expectations of not only yourself but the people you date. You should give and expect emotional fulfillment and gratification from your time spent together. If you find yourself not wanting to bring that to the table or the other person shows up empty handed, try to get back on the same page or move on. Usually forcing someone to open up in order to create a lasting bond just leads to pushing them further away, which is fine. At least there is movement and direction even if it’s not the direction you hoped for.
- Be aware of what you’re doing and pacing yourself when it comes to learning about another person. There is a fine line between wanting to know a person and being nosey, especially when you’re first dating. So keep a good conscious pace, not too slow, not too fast. Easy does it.
- Never forget in your mind how good it feels to actually make love to someone you care about. That’s the goal, love. Take pride in knowing when you give your body to someone you actually care about you can take pride and render mountains more satisfaction than you ever will by using someone as a tool for pleasuring oneself.
I bring this topic up because I see a trend happening in the dating world that is now just starting to rear its head — ugly head. Are you seeing an increase in casual relations and a decline in intimate, true connections? If you have a take on this subject I would love to continue this discussion with you on my blog at www.themoderndater .com. Don’t forget to tune into The Modern Dater radio show on 630 KHOW every Saturday evening starting at 7 p.m.
Until next time, keep it in your pants and wait for romance.
Your pal — Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Jun 20, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Ok guys, the last two articles that I wrote were to help you not only find quality women but also how to be ready when dating them. Well now it’s July and you should be in full dating swing with plenty of options in your rotation so when fall and nesting season comes around you can pair up with the pick of the litter. Here is the problem; flipping the switch from “dating guy” to “relationship guy” can be a very tricky endeavor that can backfire on you leaving you alone, without options, launching you back to square one if you don’t flip the switch at the perfect time.
First, let me explain the difference between dating guy and relationship guy before I talk about how you flip the switch and the dynamics behind the method.
Dating guy is the guy women are initially attracted to. Dating guy isn’t needy because he has options, dating guy doesn’t share his deepest darkest secrets, and he’s mysterious and is a little aloof. Women want a guy who other women desire. When ladies are dating they don’t want to date a guy that they know they can have, remember women like the chase too, probably more than guys do.
Relationship guy is the guy who is all in. He wants to be exclusive with one woman and in most cases when a man falls for a woman it is because she possesses all the qualities he is seeking in a woman, he’s extremely attracted to her, he enjoys her intellect and sense of humor and he can’t get enough of her. Relationship guy will tell her his deepest secrets; he is available at all times, his desire to chase other women vanishes and his cortisol levels skyrocket and his testosterone plummets.
Here’s the rub. Women who are dating are not attracted to relationship guy; he is too needy and easy, almost creepy to her if she is not ready or doesn’t want to be in a relationship. But when a woman is ready to be exclusive she wants dating guy to go away and she wants relationship guy to show up. This is a problem. Why you say? The answer is a man has no clue when to flip the switch from dating guy to relationship guy. For the most part guys wear their feelings on their sleeves and are pretty straightforward when they’re feeling something. On the flipside if a woman is ready to be exclusive and you still act like dating guy, there will be problems.
What it all boils down to is timing. Most guys by nature want to always remain dating guy because we are more productive in business, more virile, less emotional and basically more stable within ourselves. The monkey wrench gets thrown into our lives when we fall for a woman and the chemistry in our bodies starts to change and we can’t control what we’re feeling and thinking.
Guys you must remember what I am about to tell you and what you just read if you’re 
ready to flip the switch and she’s not. You have to remain dating guy until you are certain she is ready to be with you. Even if you have to force yourself to hold back putting yourself out there prematurely you still must. This will save you in the long run, trust me. I know this sounds like playing games but what can I say, I didn’t write the rules of attraction I just live by them like everyone else. The sad but very real thing about dating and romance is that resistance causes attraction and the more you push someone away the more they are drawn to you. Don’t put yourself in the helpless situation where you go too fast and she pushes you away leaving you desperate, with no options wanting more and more. Bleh!
Here are a few signs a woman is ready to be exclusive with you and she wants to couple up with you.
- She opens herself up sexually. Not just the act but she becomes open about her needs and insecurities.
- She starts to become jealous of other women in your life.
- She is interested in including you in whatever she is doing.
- She wants you to be more involved with her family.
- She starts planning things to do together in the future.
Warning: If you are really into a girl and you don’t see any of these signs do not, I repeat do not flip the switch over to relationship guy no matter how hard it is. If you can keep a level head even when you feel at times you can’t control it, you have to remain dating guy. If you take my advice you have a much better chance of not scaring her off to the next guy who is able to keep her on her toes.
Don’t forget to tune into the Modern Dater show for more dating advice every Saturday evening at 7 p.m. on 630 KHOW or catch the podcast and all of my writing on www.themoderndater.com. I am also very stoked to have put together a weekly happy hour every Wednesday on the patio of Randolph’s Restaurant and bar in the Warwick Hotel. I love happy hour, live reggae, beachside bars and a smoky grill. That’s why I created “Luau on the Terrace” all of the elements of a beachside grill brought to you right here in Denver. See you there!
— Sheik
by Mark Smiley | May 27, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
The sun is out, the laundry is coming off and hormones are flowing like a spring runoff from the glorious Rockies. In my last column, “Secret Fishing Holes,” I wrote about places where you can find single women who are ready to be reeled in by the guy who is aware of how to use an effective approach. So to sum it up, the last article was all about the catch and this one is to help ensure you don’t end up with a dead fish by night’s end (if you are sensitive because I used a fishing analogy as a dating comparison, you may want to discontinue reading any further).
Dating season is a very important time of year if you’re single. But it can be as depressing as waiting in line at the DMV for what seems like days only to be turned away because you failed to bring all of your documents, forcing you to repeat the process. Date like you’re going to the DMV — be ready and be patient.
It breaks my heart when I hear from guys who tell me stories how “the big one got away,” meaning a woman they were really in to but she slipped through their fingers because they weren’t equipped with the proper technique. Yes, I said technique.
I hope the following dating techniques prove to be helpful to you, leaving your pond stocked for you to enjoy all summer long.
- Get your poop in a group. Personally, if you’ve read my column long enough you would know #1 should go without saying. But just like the DMV the smallest overlooked detail can send you packing. So for the sake of review make sure you are date worthy. Do what you can to be attractive and be aware of what attracts women. Get a haircut and get some color on your skin, it’s June for crying out loud, if you’re still pasty you scream inactive. Freshen up your summer gear and make sure the clothes you choose are geared toward the type of women you’re looking to attract. If you’re looking for an earthy stoner then buy some Birkenstocks and get a tie-dye. You get the picture. Obviously, not everyone can still have a body of a 21-year-old but do what you can to be healthy and feel good enough about the effort you put in, and that will translate into how you carry yourself. Women can sniff out an unconfident man in one-half of one second.
- Have options. Don’t have all your eggs in one basket. Speaking of confidence, I can’t impress upon you enough what confidence does to a woman. It’s a God-given aphrodisiac and it should be used to your full advantage. The key is building real confidence and keeping it while you’re battling all of the other fellow date warriors in this survival of the fittest world. You may say, “How do I build and sustain such confidence?” You’re good, that’s right, have options and lots of them, you’re dating after all. Don’t shoot the messenger but guess what, women like guys that other women want as well. Again, I didn’t write the book of nature, I’m just telling the story. I know it seems twisted and hard to wrap your mind around, but ladies don’t want “relationship guy” right off the bat. Unlike being in a relationship with a woman, when you’re dating she doesn’t want to feel like you need her. A needy guy who she knows will do anything for her at a drop of a dime is what she wants down the road, but not while she’s dating. Remember resistance causes attraction and women love a good chase. They can become more ferocious than men when they have their eye on the prize. Bottom line is having other options creates value and kills the needy bug in you. Remember this tactic only works if you are an open, honest gentleman. Word of warning, when you find a woman who is into you as much as you’re into her, you better start eliminating your rotation, quickly.
- Stay even. In other words, keep your cool. Here’s the deal: you will be tested whether it be by her or yourself. Remember guys, this is dating. This isn’t business where you can conduct yourself and make decisions in a logical, clear, fact-based thought process. Welcome to Emotionville, a town scarier to a man than living in New York, in the classic movie Escape From New York. First off, I say it time and time again; girls just want to have fun. Your biggest challenge while navigating the rough dating waters is to not let your emotions keep you from being upbeat or having a fun and even demeanor. These emotional obstacles could be as simple as having a bad day, perceived rejection, being shy, jealousy, non-ideal surroundings, the list goes on but you get the idea. She is going to test you as well, maybe not consciously, but your emotional limits and stability will be tested. A woman wants to know who she’s dealing with. She ultimately is looking for certain qualities in a man. They want to figure out if you can be strong in adverse situations as well as gauge your patience meter. A man that can take control of a situation with finesse and style wins every time.
If you can manage to go out there in datingland and arm yourself with those three techniques, you might just have yourself a fruitful summer and go into nesting season with quite a catch — no pun intended. If you get your poop in a group you will have more options allowing you to stay even so you can go have fun. Fun is the key boys, fun.
Shameless plug: If you want to read more of my musings or hear the podcast of my dating show “The Modern Dater,” which airs live Saturday nights live at 7 p.m. on 630 KHOW, visit www.themoderndater .com. Have fun and keep it classy!
— Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Apr 29, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Secret Fishing Holes
Unlike the avid outdoorsman who is reluctant to give up his secret fishing spot where he’s discovered the fish are abundant and there are no other fishermen around to snag his prize or scare other potential fish away from his hook, I am happy to offer you guys my surefire sweet spots where women are aplenty and their guard is down. If you’re worn out from the bar/ club scene and you’re just spinning your wheels online dating, then I suggest you read on.
I’ll be the first to admit the world of dating is more confusing than ever. In a world of technology and social media you would think having access to an abundance of people would broaden your options and you would surely find someone to date with a mutual attraction, commonalities and similar outlook on life. The climate of dating and dating etiquette has changed dramatically just over a few decades so if it’s been a while since you’ve put yourself out there because you were married or in an LTR, going the online dating or bar/club route will surely eat you alive. Those roads for a new age dating rookie will leave you less confident and your pocketbook will be much lighter with nothing to show for.
Here are my top five secret fishing holes that will get you back out there without draining every ounce of energy from your body while you’re doing them.
1. Dog Park. I know, I know, you’re thinking that’s an obvious one, or you’re thinking, I don’t even have a dog. Here’s the kicker, it’s all in the approach. Here’s what you do … tag along with friends who are a couple and have a cute dog (preferably a puppy). The third wheel approach works well because a single woman walking her dog is more likely to stop and chat with a group of three than she is with a lone guy and his dog. She expects the lone guy and his dog to hit on her, but she has her guard down when she sees a couple and their friend going for a leisurely stroll. At that point she is open to chatting and your friends should talk you up by planting seeds in her head solidifying what a sweet, fun guy you are. At that point maybe she’s open to continuing her walk with you while your married friends continue on without you.
2. Go to every kids’ birthday party you are invited to. Why you ask? I am happy to explain. No guys ever want to go to a kids’ birthday party so the only people that are left to attend are women. Going to a kids’ birthday party gives you an advantage two-fold. First the obvious, you’re the only guy there! Second, you are showing you love and are great with kids leaving the moms in awe and they will practically throw themselves at you.
3. Volunteer your time. Think of how much time you’ve spent on wasted dates. Now what if you only used 25 percent of that wasted time volunteering? This is an awesome way to meet quality women who admire you for your giving side which in turn makes them much more approachable, providing you an atmosphere that allows you to mingle with single prospects without them feeling the pressure of a date or being directly hit on.
4. Weddings. Again, you say here is another obvious one. But tell me this, when was the last time you went to a wedding solo? Going solo is the key. For one, there is no mistake you are single but most importantly every woman who goes to a wedding when they are single can only think about one thing — why she is single and how badly she wishes it was her day. There is something about weddings that brings the want-to-be bride out in every woman.
5. Finally, charity events! I know you are starting to see a theme here and if you aren’t, you should. A charity event is another great way for meeting women, especially if you both truly believe in the same cause. This is an instant way of striking up a conversation that is easy and unassuming. The best way to approach a woman is to drop the lines, introduce yourself to her and talk to her like a human being while giving her the respect she deserves. Give it a try and you just might be surprised.
I have to give credit to Martin Alvarez who was a recent guest on my radio show, the Modern Dater for suggesting #5. If you missed that show or any others you can always catch prior shows podcasts on www.themoderndater.com. Happy fishing!
— Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Mar 13, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Why Do I Date?
Why do I date? Well obviously I’m a single, red blooded American male and of course I want to date. I mean after all, a man’s gotta eat, right? But why do I date? Does anyone else ask themselves this question or am I alone on this one? Just like Family Feud, let’s put the top five answers to
the question on the board! Here is what most people would say if you just pulled a single person aside and asked them straight out why they date and insisted on an immediate answer.
Try this experiment; it’s actually fairly telling. The first thing you’ll notice is that they will give you the dull stare of the dairy cow, not because they think the question is weird, they just genuinely don’t know. Next you’ll see them quickly regroup and regurgitate a manufactured response.
Without further ado, here are the top five responses that you’ll hear when you ask someone “Why do you date?”
1. To find the love of their life.
2. To have fun and adventure with someone.
3. They want a family.
4. They like the companionship of another person.
5. Hit it or quit it.
Of course there are a ton more responses to that question but I think you’ll find those are the top five. Believe me, those are fine responses to the question and each and every one of those replies could be very valid. Could be, but on the flip side of the coin they might not be.
Here’s the problem with dating: the majority of people have no idea why they are going out on dates. Most people set up and go out on dates just to see if there is “chemistry” or to see if they “like” the other person. But who really has time for that? Not me.
Here is where it gets a bit confusing but if you can follow my thought process here I think I can save you a lot of time, money, energy and aggravation while you’re weeding through potential dates. Let’s just say you’re a guy that is just dating to have fun and you make plans to meet up with a woman who is looking to get married and start a family. Well there is a good chance you may hit it off with her, have chemistry and you may even continue to date because of that chemistry but what have you accomplished? Well in my eyes nothing. You’ve inevitably set yourself up for failure and sometimes that failure won’t rear its head until the shine wears off the apple. Now you’re saddled with broken presumed expectations, potential heartbreak and starting the dating process over again until you stumble onto someone who is looking for the same thing at that point in their lives. Again one of the most confusing parts of this equation is even if someone tells you why they are dating they might just be telling you what they think you want to hear in order to further their own agenda. Whatever it may be, people are sketchy that way, especially when you’re dealing with strangers.
So how do you go into a date with someone and know their purpose for dating? Do you flat out ask them before you agree to meet up with them and take that stranger’s word that they are being forthcoming and that they have actually put some thought into why they’re dating? Do you wait to actually go on a date and have the conversation over drinks and/or dinner? Do you just play it cool and let it play out and hope by getting to know them you will eventually find out why they are dating? What do you do, or do you even care?
Personally I am the type of person who prefers the path of least resistance. I don’t have time to toy around with my personal life and leave my romantic life to hope. You know, “I hope I meet the right person on tonight’s date,” “I hope my date and I have a lot in common,” “I hope I meet the one tonight.”
Here is what I suggest you do. First, look out for yourself and control what you are able to. You are able to have a real long, meaningful talk with yourself about your own purpose for dating. Establish your answer in your mind — the answer to the question, “why am I dating?” Be honest with yourself, this will help you. This will help you become a dater with a purpose. Next, don’t rely on anyone else to be as mindful about why they are dating because truthfully most people haven’t got a clue why they are in the dating rat race other than just seeing what’s out there. Put the onus on yourself and be a proactive dater and communicate your purpose for being on the market. Using that approach does a few things.
1. It takes the pressure off your potential date to have to answer an awkward question that they may or may not have the answer to.
2. Knowing your purpose for dating and telling that person up front leaves no room for cloudiness in their mind about what you’re looking for and now the choice is theirs to stick around or bail.
3. There are no future surprises or let-downs once you’ve initiated your agenda, especially if they agree they are on the same page and down the road you have to cut it off because things aren’t developing in the fashion in which you set forth to find while you’re dating.
In conclusion, know why you’re dating and be up front about it. People’s lives and feelings are at stake here. There is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to see couples in relationships that have to end in months, maybe even years later because neither person laid out how they envision their futures up front. This is the elephant in the living room when it comes to dating and most people don’t want to address it in fear of scaring someone off that they initially have chemistry with.
Dating is filled with emotional decision making but please, use logic and truth when you take the time to ask yourself “Why do I date,” and don’t be afraid to tell people. Goodness forbid you may actually find someone on the same page as you right out of the starting gate. Let the dating begin!
— Sheik
