by Mark Smiley | May 22, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Communication is easy right? You just open your mouth and let your thoughts turn into words and voila! Now we’re talking. I guess talking to each other is that easy if you’re just trying to get your point across, no matter how it’s received. All of us know by now (or should) that it isn’t what you have to say, but it’s how you say it. How you talk with people plays a key role in communicating your message, and ultimately whatever message you are trying to convey will result in an action, or a response from the other person. I’m guessing most people want positive responses from the words that they choose to use.
And yes, I am going to use my column this month to give guys a few tips on how to talk to women. That’s right, how. Not what to say to women, but how to talk to them. I would think the following tips I give you are common knowledge but I am shocked by some of the interactions I see with men and women when they first meet. Seriously, sometimes I’m shocked to the point that I cringe and think to myself what in the world is he doing? I feel creepy just witnessing this. Ladies I guess you can stop reading right here since none of the following pertains to you, but I know you won’t.
First, I have to state a few qualifiers before I start my list. Yes, I believe men and women need to be communicated to differently especially in a dating atmosphere. Yes, I am a guy and of course my point of view is going to be from a male perspective. Yes, I believe women more so than men need to be verbally stimulated. After all, first impressions are everything right? All the women just said yes to that question and most guys are thinking well she can be kinda rude and bitchy if she’s hot. Okay, let’s go!
- When you first meet and even shortly thereafter meeting a woman, don’t make creepy sexual innuendoes off of the words they say. You know what I’m saying, the whole “that’s what she said” kind of thing. Playing off a woman’s words and turning them into something perverted is a sure way to freak her out. The crazy thing about this advice is that it freaks her out at first but once you gain their trust women can be just as vulgar as guys. Weird how it works that way.
- Women like to be spoken to normally. Just like you would talk to a friend in a casual conversation. Sometimes I even need to catch myself when I am talking to a woman to whom I am attracted, to not start talking weird. Not like saying weird stuff to them, just being unsure of what to say or how to say it. When women sense you feel that they are superior to you they lose interest. She no longer associates you in her mind as an alpha male. To simplify, just treat them the same as the girl you know you could get.
- Don’t talk like a braggadocios jerk. Women hate a guy that brags or talks himself up. Just like I said earlier that a woman wants to be verbally stimulated she also wants to find out things about you organically. There is no better position to be in than when a lady wants to learn more about you. Let her decide where her curiosity takes her imagination.
- Do not, I repeat do not set an argumentative tone to your communicating. Playful verbal exchanges back and forth are great, and encouraged, but plain heated debates are a total turn off.
- Keep your communication fun, funny, upbeat and positive! If there is one lasting piece of advice that I hope would stick it would be this one. Guys, keep it light, keep it real and keep them wanting more.
I believe in the art of communicating and I embrace the differences between men and women. I have been in the business of communications for many years and I know the power of conversation. Remember, it’s not what you say but it’s how you say it and how your words are received. Choose your words wisely and be aware the next words that come out of your mouth can be taken many ways. Try to deliver them so someone might want to listen.
Lastly, the Modern Dater Date Club is about to be launched! If you want in just shoot me an email at themoderndater@ gmail.com and I’ll send you more info on upcoming gatherings. Thanks for reading!
— Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Apr 24, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Would you date yourself? No seriously, are you the type of person that has the qualities that you look for in a potential long-term partner? Believe it or not there are quite a few similarities between building a product or a brand and dating. Let me explain…
When a business person is building a brand they have various goals to keep in mind before marketing their product to consumers. The key to building a solid brand is complicated but then so is dating, so this month I want to use this article to help you build your own personal brand (you’re the brand) resulting in an increase in your marketability. Here’s a quick rundown of things to keep in mind when you’re developing Brand You.
- Identify the demographic that you want to market yourself to and then begin your market research. Research what type of consumer (or sect of the dating pool) you are looking to target. Once you have identified and listed a handful of notable desires and needs that seem to have a consistent theme throughout your demo you can then move to the next step.
- Let’s just say for the sake of example that you have concluded that your desirable demo is looking for active, well off, established, honest, clean, family-oriented, honest people who enjoy travel, good food, intimacy and communicating. That’s a lot I know, but just an example for sure. Who knows, you might want someone who can burp louder than you and likes the same fast food restaurants. It doesn’t matter; the point is figure out what you want so you can market yourself to them properly.
- Now that you know who your consumer is, how do you develop your brand so that it has market appeal and gets noticed and purchased before your competition? This step is product development and at this stage you have to be very mindful of your potential consumer and not lose focus on creating a market niche for yourself. It always cracks me up when people want the world but they don’t have squat to offer. It’s like the world owes them a wonderful life yet they have nothing to offer the world.
- Now it’s time to start inventing your brand and remain patient during its development. The last thing you want to do is rush to market before its completion. Take the time to really get it together; if you’re broke save a few bucks; if you dress like a slob and you’re unkempt get yourself cleaned up; if you’re sketchy and untrustworthy start working on building your honor; if you never leave the city limits start exploring outside of your area; if you lack the ability to communicate effectively reach out to someone who can communicate for pointers. Whatever the case may be, once you figure out what your desired dating demo is looking for make sure you invent your brand accordingly.
- Taking your brand to market is your final step. Just like any good brand they market directly to their desired consumer. Example: you won’t find any erectile dysfunction commercials running in the middle of cartoons on Sunday morning. For obvious reasons, the business who owns the brand would just be wasting their time, money and resources on an audience that could give two sticks about their product. Translation, if you’re looking for a family oriented, career-minded person who loves to unwind at night by cooking a meal together and sharing it over a glass of wine, you probably won’t meet that person at a dive bar on Colfax. Market your brand smartly and don’t compromise it because you want to settle on the first taker. Test your brand a few times and see what the market has to offer before you sell out.
Lastly and most importantly, be yourself, just be the best self you can be and start putting thought into being someone you would actually want to date or commit to. If more people were conscious about who they are, what they want and what it takes to get there in a productive way we would all save time and energy by avoiding crappy products (people) who don’t last and end up getting tossed aside like yesterday’s news.
Announcement time! A lot of exciting things are going on in my world and I am very proud to share them with you! Most of you may know I host a radio show named The Modern Dater Show. TMD is a very fun part of my life and it allows me to meet tons of great people and see so many great bars, restaurants and events. Through that experience I really fell in love with the great state of Colorado and our culture. I really enjoy great food, drinks and friends and exploring the booming food and beverage that we are so blessed to have. Therefore I am thrilled to tell you about my new radio project with world-renowned Chef Jesper Jonnson called The Modern Eater which will air every Saturday at 6 p.m. on iHeart Radio and 630 KHOW starting May 16!
Lastly, The Modern Dater Date Club is on the brink of launching and FYI, last month when I said I had many more women than men who were interested and put a call out for guys to contact me, you fellas stepped up to the plate and evened things out! Fantastic! Now it’s last call for everyone out there who is interested in joining this exclusive club of relationship-minded people who are looking to go on low pressure singles excursions, hosted by me of course. Don’t let this pass you by, hit me up at themoderndater@gmail.com for details. Now get started on your brand and happy dating!
Your pal, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Mar 27, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
I don’t know about you but one of my biggest fears in life is being in a committed relationship with someone only to end up as a couple of strangers on the same couch, together, forever. For those of you wondering what I’m talking about let me explain… Strangers on the same couch are couples who no longer have any desire to talk with each other or share intimate thoughts with their partner. Couples never start out as strangers on the same couch but if you’re not very careful you may wind up sharing your most valuable down time in a personal prison with a mysterious cell mate. No thank you.
First I am going to share with you signs that you may be in a “strangers on the same couch” situation, or you’re heading in that direction fast.
- Most of your conversations with your partner are very short and blasé. You know, “How was your day?” “What’s for dinner?” “Is there anything good on the tube tonight?” You get the picture. Making small talk is a lot easier and safer than actually talking about something important in your life.
- You find yourself closer to a cubicle mate or a co-worker than you do your partner. The day that it dawns on you that you express yourself without hesitation with strangers or acquaintances but you bite your lip at home because you don’t want to start a fight or be judged you might just be with a stranger on the same couch.
- Let’s face it, sitting next to someone on a couch in silence for hours gives you a lot of time to think and plan. When you’re thinking of things you want to do or things you want to experience are you wanting to include that lump sitting next to you? If not, you are definitely a stranger on the same couch.
- Do you find yourself trying to avoid the metaphoric couch altogether? This is an advanced stage of the Stranger on the Same Couch Syndrome. When you’re at this stage something has to give and you’re either going to shut down everything that is you and give into the couch, or you’re going to freak out one day and jump out the window in order to escape.
- Are you constantly on your computer or laptop “working” so you have some kind of contact with people other than your couch stranger?
Some of you reading this can really identify with what I am talking about because you are living it now or you have lived like this before. Others of you may not be quite there yet but you find yourself slip sliding in that direction. The obvious solution for me would be to blow things up and push the reset button and see where the chips fall. I’m a keep it real guy at all costs because I know the price to pay is more than I’m willing to give. I have to be me, and you have to be you, anything short of that is fake and I can’t do fake. Some people can do fake though and those people scare the heck out of me. You know who I’m talking about… These people tell you what you want to hear, they give you false reality, they tell you what you “need to know” about themselves, they have more buried in them than King Tut’s tomb. They would rather lie when the truth would do.
If you’re anything like me you’re searching for true love and you want to share yourself with someone completely. In order for me to gift to someone the purest essence that makes up me and my heart I have to know that I am being afforded that same gift in return. Well, that and she has to be hot and witty. Probably too much to ask seeing as though I haven’t found all the puzzle pieces but I’ve been close a couple of times, real close.
All I can tell you speaking from a ton of dating and relationship experience is that if you don’t want to end up being a stranger on the same couch with someone is to set personal standards with whomever you’re dating when you feel you want to start taking things more serious with each other. Foresight, prevention and communication will be your strongest allies in your plight for a fun, productive, honest, enjoyable relationship. Just like I mentioned earlier, couples never start out as strangers on the same couch, it’s something that happens over time and it is up to you to make sure it doesn’t happen and you need to be aware when you see it happening and be prepared to address it.
When you are in the fun, open, no-expectations phase of your dating, point out certain situations or intimate times you are having so you have a reference point or a marker, if you will, of a time when you were able to be real and have fun together. Fight for the best in your personal life and who you choose to share it with. You deserve it!
Lastly, the Modern Dater Date Club is about to be launched! A couple of things, it looks like we have a great group of daters who contacted me but there is a problem. I never in a million years thought I would find myself saying these words but here goes… There are not enough guys! Blah, I feel weird but it’s true. Most of the people who have contacted me (like 80 percent) are women, tons of women. What’s up with that guys? Or are all of my readers ladies? Either way here’s your chance guys, email me at themoderndater@gmail.com (yes ladies, you can too) and get ready for some “Circle Cooking” with some of Denver’s finest single ladies.
Hope you’re enjoying spring, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Feb 26, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Last month I wrote about how to recognize if you are dating someone or in a relationship that you are forcing in order to make it work. I received a lot of response from people who said that article hit home with them and it made many of you think about your current situations. The first step to finding wellness in your life is actually identifying that there is a problem. The next step is figuring out how to eliminate whatever is adversely affecting you, in this case, who you’re dating or in a relationship with. The key is to do it in a productive manner that won’t put you in a hole deeper than you’re already in.
This month’s column is about the dreaded breakup or taking out the trash, if you will. Some of you may think using the term “taking out the trash” may be a bit harsh when it comes to severing ties with someone but, of course, I disagree. First, what is trash? Well, good ol’ dictionary.com defines trash as anything useless, worthless or rubbish. I don’t know about you but if you’ve come to the realization that the person you are choosing to be with is no longer contributing to your life in a productive manner and he/she is stunting your growth and health then indeed they are useless, worthless or rubbish to you and you need to take out the trash.
Sometimes it takes years to figure out if something or someone is trash in your life. Denial is a huge factor when it comes to identifying trash. Because remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Sometimes trash is obvious and you know to throw it away immediately because it’s rotten or it stinks. Other times trash is a lot less obvious; you know what I’m talking about because we all have a tendency to hold on to things “just in case.”
“I’m not going to throw away these 20 pair of old holey socks because I may need them someday,” when we know good and well they are just taking up room in the sock drawer and they will continue to until something is done about it. How about all that “stuff” stacking up in the basement or garage that you “need” when you know good and well it’s just glorified trash cluttering your home. Sometimes the hardest trash to throw out are the items that have been around for a while and have grown to be sentimental to you even though those things do nothing for your life in the present, nor will they in the future.
The same analogy goes for people. The obvious people who are rotten and stink up your life are fairly easy to rid yourself of, mostly because you’ve made up your mind that there is no room in your life for them. But what about the people you’re dating or in a relationship with who you have an emotional tie with or you see redeeming qualities in them but you know they’re not good for you? Should all trash be discarded equally or should more consideration be put into ending your connection with someone you want the best for? I say yes, yes, you should put more thoughtful effort into breaking up with someone whose only fault is living their life in a way that is not conducive to how you want to live yours.
We humans get so caught up in the blame game and projecting on to others how we would live our lives in hope the person that we’re with will start to see things our way. If you are, stop pointing fingers and attacking someone’s character because you want a reason to justify a breakup. Don’t try blowing things up and make it personal so anger can be your excuse to hang your hat on as to why things aren’t working. Here are a few different ways to look at, or phrase things when you’re trying to navigate the waters of a breakup and not sink your own ship, or theirs, while doing so.
- Rather than saying, “you will never get how I feel!,” understand they are not you, and they may never think like you, and that’s ok. Try saying this instead, “I understand we think differently, but instead of forcing how I think, or what I would do in a situation with you, I have decided it’s best for us to understand that we are both different and we need to be with more like minded individuals.”
- Rather than saying something personal or hurtful like, “you’re a bum and you will never amount to anything” try this; “You may be working hard according to your standards but I am at the point in my life where our work ethic is different and rather than me being upset with you about it I think it’s best I let you go, so we can both strive at our own pace.”
- Rather than saying, “I am tired of you lying about everything,” try saying, “It’s unfortunate that we are at the point in our relationship where we have to be dishonest with each other because it’s become easier to just lie rather than tell the truth, and I want you to be with someone who you feel comfortable expressing yourself to.”
I could keep going but I think you get the point. A breakup doesn’t have to be an undressing of another person’s actions or character. A breakup should be two people who care about the other person’s needs and plight in life. Just because being with someone isn’t working for you, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be perfectly compatible with someone else. All I want you to keep in mind is we are all people just trying to find our way in this world and not everyone is going to be right for you. Lead with your heart, stay true to what’s important to you, and most of all keep it classy.
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club that I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail.com. And if you own a fun date-friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Feb 2, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left
As adults why do we constantly try and make things fit in to our lives when we know good and well it doesn’t make sense or belong? As little kids we took the “square peg, round hole” aptitude test where we learned quickly that if the shape didn’t fit in the hole to move on and find the proper piece that would fit. Sure there were those kids who continually tried to force the object into the wrong hole but after many unsuccessful attempts and much frustration they would eventually move on and look for the right combination.
What happened to those abilities when it comes to our intimate relationships as adults? I am not preaching here or excluding myself from this conversation, I’m guilty of trying to force things to work when I know deep down inside that it won’t. Have we been so beaten down by life and failure that we believe it’s easier to take what you have, although it’s not working, rather than put whatever, or in this case whomever, aside and search for the right match? More and more I am seeing people in relationships putting more work into forcing things to be right rather than spending that energy finding what’s right for them. Have we really become so fear and guilt driven that we have forgotten about the basic fundamentals of life?
I want everyone who is reading this right now to think of a time in their life where something worked out when you tried to force it to. How did that work out for you? I may come across as cold when I say this but I have zero desire at this point in my life to run uphill battles when I know better. There is no more room in my life for that madness. I hope you feel the same about your life.
The following is a quick reference you can use to determine if you’re fighting the good fight with someone you’re dating or in a relationship with, or if you are just trying to stuff whatever you can.
- You find yourself disappointed time and time again by someone’s actions and you hope somehow that will change. Disappointment manifests from failed expectations and expectations come from a personal standard you hold for yourself. Remember not everyone is going to have your same standards, and that’s ok. Rather than trying to change somebody’s standards why not find someone whose standards are similar to yours? Crazy concept I know.
- You find yourself lowering your standards in order to avoid letdown or conflict. This is bad, real bad. The minute you find yourself watering down the things that mean something to you because it’s “easier” you have just failed at life 101. Stay true to thyself.
- You find yourself or your companion bending the truth or making up false reality for the other person just to give the perception that everything is fine or working out. Open communication at all costs never fails. You may not be hearing what you want to but at least you’re living in reality.
- You find yourself seeking other options although you are still together with someone. Red alert, red alert! If you are doing this you are ready to move on. Don’t be one of those selfish people who tries to hold on to whatever they have with someone out of fear of not finding a better situation. You’re doing no one a favor by doing that.
- You find yourself caring for a person but you’re not in love with them. This is a tough one because both care and love are similar emotions in the sense that they both weigh on your heart. Regardless, when you are dealing with emotion you need to be smart and determine if the emotion you are feeling for someone is feeding your soul, or draining it. Only you know that answer.
- You find yourself numbing yourself with drugs, food or alcohol. Oh boy, this one is tough because this usually means you are making matters worse for yourself. Not only are you trying to force a situation to work by using substances for suppressing your feelings, you are also jacking up your life and inevitably you will have a mess on your hands. This method is hard to clean up and could have been avoided by just pulling the plug on your intimate association with that person.
The list goes on… But you get the idea. Next month, while I am on the subject of “pulling the plug” on a relationship that doesn’t work for you, I am going to write about what I think a proper breakup should look like. I want you to be happy and healthy and most importantly, you!
A big thanks to all of you who have contacted me expressing interest in The Modern Dater Date Club I am assembling for my readers. This is an exclusive dating club for serious daters who are tired of meeting flakes who are not serious about finding a true connection. As we speak, I am planning group excursions for like-minded singles to get together in a no pressure environment that is conducive to having fun, being safe, and enjoying the company of quality people. If you would like to find out more about the dating club you can contact me personally at themoderndater@gmail .com. And if you own a fun, date friendly business or restaurant and would like to be a part of the fun I encourage you to contact me as well.
Until next month, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Dec 22, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
Well it’s that time of year, New Year resolutions are in full swing. People everywhere, single or otherwise will vow to eliminate, add, refine, start or quit something in their lives in hopes of being a better person moving forward. Okay, now think back to the resolution you made last year. What’s that? You don’t even remember what your resolution was, do you? If any of what I just wrote resonated with you, fear not, I am going to give you a new approach this year that will not only help your overall quality of life but it will also improve your viability as a single dater.
Now open your mind and wrap it around what I’m about to tell you. Think about your relationships with people in your family, think about the people you associate with, think about your job, and think about your daily surroundings, i.e., where and how you live. I bring up these external variables in your life for a reason. More often than not when people are looking to make changes in their lives the first place they start is with themselves rather than looking at their surroundings. Don’t get me wrong, trying to improve yourself by eating better, exercising, or kicking a bad habit is never a bad thing but let’s face it, you and I both know you should constantly be working to better your mind and body. It shouldn’t take a New Year to motivate you to be a better you — try this instead.
This year I want you to take a look around you and I want you to make tough decisions regarding who and what should belong in your life. I want you to keep the following list in mind when you are thinking of potential “resolutions” that will improve your life.
Your Family: This year I resolve to improve my family. People always say that their family is the most important aspect in their lives yet their relationships are in shambles. Think about it… how are you supposed to have a healthy, productive, intimate relationship with a significant other if you can’t even get along with the people you are closest with. I want you to look at individual relationships with the people that are closest to you and figure out if those relationships are productive in your life.
I’m not telling you to do whatever it takes to have a relationship with someone in your family at all cost. In fact quite the contrary, what I am asking you to do is figure out what is wrong with any one relationship and then make a choice on whether that tie to them is fulfilling the requirements needed to be productive and healthy in your life. If you decide knowing that person (mom, dad, sister, brother, whoever) is not adding to your life eliminate them, I don’t care if they are family or not. It is very important to your overall mental and physical health to have the close relationships right.
Your Friends: This year I resolve to eliminate the friends in my life who add nothing to my world. Everyone knows their friends and the effect they have on you. Most friends serve a specific purpose. You have your party friends who you raise hell and get hammered with, they linger in your life from the time when you had nothing better to do than party every night. You have your childhood friends who are held close to your vest no matter what, mostly for reasons of nostalgia. You have your loser friends who every time you hear from them there is a problem. You know these friends, they are high drama, their life is usually in shambles and every time you’re around them there is a crisis and their drama is off the charts.
Of course there are many other types of friends in your life and even some that add to you. That’s the point, just like your relationships with your family you need to address your friends and figure out who is enhancing your life in a positive way and get rid of all others. The people you choose to have around you are a huge variable when it comes to your progress in your life and opportunities they can bestow upon you. If you hang with losers there is a good chance you are one.
Your Surroundings: This year I resolve to tighten up my surroundings. No matter what is happening in my life I always feel better when where I live is in order. Having chaos in your home translates into all aspects of your life. Get your household in order and do the things necessary to ensure you’re comfortable in your downtime. Let’s face it, there are very few things in life that you have complete control over but the environment that you choose to create around you is all you. You are in charge of how you live and how you choose to live there within. Keep things tidy and fresh around your home and you just might find it easier to deal with the rest of this upside down world.
I was told by someone once that whoever you spend New Year’s Eve with will be in your life the rest of the year and I’ve found this to be accurate. With that said, maybe this year you can resolve to simply be around quality people who add to your life. Get rid of the energy leeches in your life and raise your standards and watch your dating viability increase. If you want to find someone great to be with this year start by doing these few things and remember water finds its own level and people do too.
The Modern Dater date club is filling up and the first group of dating excursions hosted by me is going to start happening this month. If you have any interest in how you can be a part of this exclusive dating club just drop me a line at themoderndat er@gmail.com.
Happy New Year!
Your Pal, Sheik
