Welcome To The Hotel Confusion

by Mark Smiley | Jan 29, 2016 | Feature Story Bottom Left

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” With the passing of rock legend Glenn Frey I couldn’t help but revisit the Eagles playlist on my podcast. The lyric I opened my article with always rings in my head for various reasons but mostly it’s a lyric I interpret as someone who checks out in their mind because they are stuck in a situation.

Related to dating and relationships I submit there are many of you out there who feel checked out in your relationship and feel like there is no way out. I know ultimately it is up to us as individuals to make decisions that are best for our own personal well-being and mental and physical health but we all know that’s not easy. It’s especially not easy when emotion and guilt are woven in to your decision making process. I rarely see an emotion based decision work out. Again, easier said than done, we are human after all.

But who wants to be “checked out” in life and feel like they can “never leave?” Not me! Let’s talk for a minute about what makes a person stuck in a relationship…

The following are signs that you may be checked out and stuck in a bad relationshit.

• You’re finding you care less and less about things that were very important to you and now you give up fighting for them because no matter how much you express yourself they just don’t care about what you find important.
• You find yourself angry at that person all the time even when there isn’t an immediate issue at hand. This comes from built up animosity that has not been addressed which, in turn, leaves you feeling empty, bitter and angry.
• You begin to start plotting exit strategies in your mind that you never follow through with because of some kind of guilt attachment you have with the other person, i.e., they helped you with something important at one point and it’s held over your head.
• You have positioned yourself to rely on your current partner and without them your lifestyle or creature comforts would be disrupted.
• You now avoid any kind of intimate contact with your partner because it seems forced and not genuine.
• You begin sabotaging your future with that person unconsciously by continually complaining to your friends and family about how miserable you are. Once you do this, of course your friends and family will side with you making it impossible for you and your partner to build a healthy future. Unless, of course, you don’t care about having friends and family in your life.
• Just like the lyrics say, you checked out and you find yourself not communicating even if you want or need to.

All of these signs are very dangerous. If you are experiencing any or all of the symptoms of a diminishing and dysfunctional relationship you need to push the pause button. You need to pause and ask yourself if you are living in a manner that is true to you. True to your expectations, values, goals and communication level needs to make you a growing, thriving and healthy person. Remember, disease causes disease.

It is very easy to get caught up moving in the wrong direction in life and if there is anything to take away from the Eagles great Glenn Frey, it’s this… Live your life to the fullest, be kind to people, do what you love and be true to what you want because being around tomorrow is no guarantee. Make today your day and lead with your heart, but follow with your fury.

Here’s to happiness and cutting the cancer out of your life once you identify it. Good luck!

Your pal, Sheik

Gall Wars

by Mark Smiley | Dec 17, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

What is it with people these days? Have people lost their collective minds? Is anyone else out there experiencing an anything goes, holier than thou attitude from the people you’re dating?

I’m seeing a selfish trend from single people. Dating is a very important time that deserves time, consideration, foresight and patience. Dating isn’t an easy endeavor, but why date if you’re going to do it half-heartedly? Why waste your time or another person’s time if you’re just going to play games or be reckless with their lives?

Here are some things I’m noticing from this new culture of daters who are seemingly dating to just pass the time. I really can’t believe the gall that some people have so I am going to call them out and declare “Gall Wars!”

• Selfishness. I’m so tired of people being selfish so easily. I mean come on, you’re dating. You should be putting your best foot forward not displaying what a baby you can be if you don’t get your way. Being a selfish, self-centered person is such a turn off and it is a horrible quality to have as a human.
• Rude, Rude, Rude, Rude, Rude. Here is another one, just plain rude. Have people forgotten how to bite their lip or let something that irks them roll off their back? Be nice, smile. People don’t have to put up with your rudeness. In fact guys, if you want to find a quick way to get kicked to the curb go ahead and be a rude person. Ladies can get away with being rude a bit more than a guy depending on how hot she is, but in the long run, rudeness makes everyone ugly to the core.
• Entitlement. You are dating, you’re not entitled to anything yet! Put some work into making a relationship before you think you deserve something. You’re basically a stranger to the person you’re dating. Try earning a position into someone’s life instead of just acting entitled to access into someone’s life just because you’re dating them.
• Sensitivity. What is it with all of these thin-skinned people out there in the dating pool? There are more people out there who have no idea how to problem solve or have the ability to not let the smallest little obstacle turn into the most drama ever. Pull up your britches people and quit being so sensitive. Being an even-headed person is on the other hand very attractive.
• Inconsiderate. This one kills me. Again, you’re dating! Put your best foot forward. Be considerate of other people’s time. Showing up late to a date chronically shows just how little you care about someone else’s time. You should constantly be figuring out how to be aware and considerate to whomever you’re dating. Don’t be the double standard person who holds everyone else up to a standard that you can’t even manage yourself.
• Respect. Come on people let’s have some basic respect for each other. Have some boundaries and respect the person you’re dating. If they’re not worthy of your respect you should really just move on and find someone who does.

Let’s tighten things up in 2016. We need to be better to each other. We need to reintroduce standards of how we treat each other. We live in such a fast-paced impersonal world but that gives us no excuse for treating each other so poorly. Let’s make this new year one worth living!

Your pal, Sheik

Here Comes Mrs. Claus

by Mark Smiley | Nov 23, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

First off I hope you have a joyful holiday month. I know this time of year can be pretty taxing if life is throwing you a curve ball or if you’re without a companion or family. If you are struggling remember things change, and nothing lasts forever so stay positive and keep working toward creating a better situation for yourself.

And if, God forbid, you are going through a holiday breakup take some advice from Mrs. Claus in the following poem. Go out, have fun, keep it light and move toward finding your own happiness again. The rest will figure itself out. Life doesn’t have to be so serious…

With that thought in mind and apologies to the Christmas classic song, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” I give you my yearly December Christmas poem…

Here Comes Mrs. Claus

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

Vinny and Johnny met her on Tinder,

Along with plenty more men,

Her phone is a ringin’, texts are a dingin’,

She’s searching for love for the night,

So she puts on her stockings in hope of

body rocking,

Mrs. Claus has a hot date tonight.

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus,

She’s single and dating again,

She’s got a bag that’s filled with toys,

Not the kind for girls and boys,

When she walks she jingle jangles,

Oh what a beautiful sight,

So jump in bed and cover your head,

’Cause Mrs. Claus is single tonight!

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

She doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor,

Because she just got back in the game,

Mrs. Claus, a single white female with no children,

Just wants to date and keep it light,

So if you wanna get with Mrs. C you better have

dinner and beer,

’Cause Mrs. Claus is looking for a date tonight!

Here comes Mrs. Claus, Here comes Mrs. Claus

She’s single and dating again,

She’ll come back around when the night runs out,

Oh no not the walk of shame again,

If you play your cards right she might give you a call,

Tonight could be your night,

So let’s give thanks to Santa for neglecting

Mrs. Claus,

Because now Mrs. Claus is single tonight!

Have a very Merry Christmas and keep someone warm, your pal Sheik.

Bring Home To Mom Check List

by Mark Smiley | Nov 2, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

It’s that time of year daters! That’s right the holidays are here and you have to decide if anyone you’re dating is worthy of meeting your family. Let’s face it, some people are dateable but have no business being introduced to your family. We all know how judgmental family can be and for some reason bringing someone home to meet mom is taken very seriously. I thought I would help out by creating a little check list for you that you can use as a guideline to determine if your date will be eating drumsticks with Aunt Marge or if you should just plan to meet for drinks after your turkey dinner. My rule is not to bring anyone to meet the family unless you’re in a committed relationship but other people are more daring than I so here goes…

1. First impressions are everything and remember how judgmental family is. Make sure your date doesn’t ooze sex appeal. You don’t want the whispers behind your back from the women in your family centered on speculating if you’re dating a stripper (even if she is) or not and you don’t want the men in your family hitting on her or making sexual innuendo.
2. Make sure your date can hold a conversation. There is nothing worse than bringing a date to a family function and all they do is smile, chuckle occasionally and give one word responses when someone addresses them. There is pressure around meeting someone’s family so just make sure in advance that they don’t mind having conversation with judgmental strangers.
3. Do not bring a level 3 clinger home to meet the fam. If your date has to be attached to your hip in order to be comfortable or to avoid having conversation with your drunken uncle it would be in your best interest not to bring them. If your date can’t let you do your thing your family will automatically determine you have a smotherer on your hands who is going to control your life.
4. Do not bring a date that has no problem downing a bottle of wine before dinner even starts. If your date gets all boozed up there is a good chance something could go wrong, very wrong. Like telling your mom that their ex just got released from jail and is trying to find them.
5. Do not bring someone home that can’t put their phone down to save their life. It’s bad enough being on a date with someone who is on their phone all the time texting, checking email, whatever, but your mom will flat out tell them to get off their phone and put it away. The last thing you need is your mom upset because your date is rude.
6. Bring a date that is not afraid to be helpful or get involved. If you are dating someone and you know they are lazy it would be best if you left them behind. The best quality your date could possibly have in a meet the family situation is being helpful. Need help in the kitchen? Want help with the dishes? Is there anything I can do to help? These are all sentences your date should be capable of saying.
7. Make sure your date has a job or is doing something productive with their time. Unemployed dates are about as unappealing to families as using the bathroom after your dad. Inevitably your date will be asked what they do for a living and if they don’t do squat they will be treated like they have leprosy for the remainder of the evening.
8. Bring a date that is socially aware and that will talk but know what to say. Nothing worse than bringing a date that wants to prove to your family that they know you better than your family does. There are some things that your family doesn’t need to know about you.

If you follow those guidelines you should be fairly safe and have a good time. In fact let me suggest that you cut this article out of the paper and have your potential date read this and agree that they can live up to these standards to ensure there will be no problems. I will even provide a small agreement for them to sign at the bottom.

I ____________________ agree to the terms and conditions that I have just read and promise I will abide by the preceding guidelines set forth by the Sheik to ensure I won’t embarrass you in front of your family at Thanksgiving dinner.

Signed ____________________________

Date    ______________________________

Happy Thanksgiving!

Your pal, Sheik

Riding The Storm Out

by Mark Smiley | Sep 25, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

We’ve all been there in our dating lives — at the point where nothing seems to work and your self-esteem spirals like Alice down the rabbit hole. There are many variables of how and why this horrible mindset of doubt can creep in to your mind and body and start to consume you. This mojo draining phenomena will affect your ability to network in the dating world properly.

Maybe you’ve gained some weight or you’re working through health problems. Maybe you’re working through an injury or personal body image issues stemming from aging or myriad reasons. You might be getting out of a long-term relationship that took a toll on your mind and body leaving you “relationship fat,” or worse, lacking self-worth. Whatever the case is, if you’re not feeling confident about your mind and body, STOP dating!!

Better yet, I forbid you to date! Remember I always say, water seeks its own level and I believe people do too. If you are struggling with the types of things I just described now is no time to market yourself to other human beings. I am aware how difficult it is not to reach out to people when you are at your worst or struggling, but believe me when I tell you that you have to, at least in a romantic way, in order to soften the loneliness or feel better about yourself by being around someone who is as miserable as yourself. I understand misery loves company but you’re just wasting time that could be used to fix yourself, and worse yet, that miserable company may never go away.

Here’s what needs to be done. I call it dating lockdown. As painful as it may be you need to go into survival mode which is a lot like safe mode upon startup of your personal computer. Starting your computer in safe mode allows your computer to start Windows only to search for errors and prevent further damage. Dating lockdown is similar in a sense that you are allowing yourself to go into a mode of thinking that will force you to introspectively take emotional and physical inventory and disallow you from doing any further damage to an already dire situation. Let’s face it, no one is getting any younger around here. The more time you waste accumulating rings around your tree trunk being single, the less viable of a catch you become to the good ones out there.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re on dating lockdown…

1. Dig deep and fight! There is a reason people get depressed and many time psych drugs are not the answer. The body has so many survival mechanisms in place it’s astonishing. There is probably a reason you get sad when you look down and can’t see your feet. The answer to the root of your sadness isn’t a pill; the answer is getting rid of your big fat gut so you can see your Nikes again. By no means am I asking you to be perfect, just be in the best physical shape you that you can be so you are confident about how you look and feel. Sometimes this can be a battle, but a fight worth having nonetheless. The rewards pay dividends in many aspects in your life. Not just romantically.
2. Ask yourself this question… Are you a good person to be around? If you were looking to spend time with someone would you choose yourself? I’m guessing if a lot of us were being honest we’d say no. Do you have people’s best interests in mind or do you do things that only benefit you? Are people’s thoughts and feelings safe with you or do you use them to pass judgement or use them against someone at a later time?
3. Do you have the ability to live for the future and learn from the past rather than having your past drive your future? This is important, I’ve spoken to countless people who are “unable” to do certain things because their past forbids whatever the present may hold, a challenge or otherwise. Just make sure you’re healed enough from your past so that when you are dating again you’re not stunting someone else’s growth because of your personally unaddressed limitations.
4. Are you an overall happy person? I know it sounds cliché but no one will ever make you happy until you’re happy with yourself. How tragic would it be that by some dumb luck you did meet the love of your life but you had no idea what to do with them because you’re not happy with yourself. To me there is nothing more heart breaking than finding someone you have a mad connection with but you’re in two different times in your life.

Dating is like playing cards. It’s all in the odds. When you play cards don’t you want to make every move possible to ensure that hand you’re holding has the best odds or greatest chance of being the winning hand? Give your dating life the same odds for success and stack your deck by doing the hard things it takes to be a viable dater, or just human for that matter.

October date tip! Ask a lady to carve pumpkins with you. Women love doing fun crafty things that remind them of their childhood. Two pumpkins, one bottle of wine and a couple of candles.

Happy Halloween!

Your pal, Sheik

Fantasy Dating

by Mark Smiley | Aug 31, 2015 | Feature Story Bottom Left

Men (and a handful of women) everywhere are gearing up for yet another season of Fantasy Football. Excited fans of the NFL just spent weeks studying stats, watching preseason games and scouting players in order to assemble a fantasy football team that they can be proud of. Hey listen, if you play fantasy football you know what I’m talking about. You want your team to be so well assembled that they steamroll the competition earning you bragging rights for being the best and also a shot at a winning a little pool of money. It actually takes some effort to have a good fantasy team. You need to have a good draft to ensure you have some quality players on your team who will score you some big points! Beyond that, you need to have…

• A roster that has depth so you have options. Nothing worse than losing a game because you didn’t prepare for player bye weeks and unexpected injuries.
• You need to have a well-rounded roster with standout talent in key positions who hog the ball and get their name called a lot on game day.
• You have to be ready to make a big trade when you feel like unloading someone on your roster for a potential new addition who will help your team go all the way.
• You have to constantly monitor the waiver wire for unsigned players who could potentially benefit your team while replacing underperforming players who have become dead weight on your squad.
• Lastly, you have to stay involved with the team of players you have assembled making sure you’re up on all the latest news and reports in order to field what you believe to be the best lineup on any given week.

Sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it? Having a competitive fantasy football team takes a lot of time, commitment, research, attentiveness and last but not least, the desire to have and be the best.

Now if we could get you to put half this effort into your dating or romantic life. Guys, sometime we’re so dumb when it comes to dating it takes a fantasy football analogy in order for you to understand how to date successfully and with a purpose. Let’s break it down…

Why not apply some of the things I just outlined on what it takes to have a bad ass fantasy squad and apply some of that same effort in finding good women to date? Here’s how…

• You are dating, that means date! Assemble the most qualified roster of women you can find and get involved with their lives. The more options you have the less needy or desperate you’ll be come game day, errrrr, I mean date night.
• Constantly monitor your roster of women for the performers and the underachievers. Be prepared to cut the dead weight for better options and don’t forget to reward the ones who are bringing it!
• Get involved! Don’t just date to date. You’re going to lose a good woman to a man who takes interest in their lives and pays attention to their needs. That’s like drafting a killer fantasy team that is destined to win but doesn’t because you neglected it all season long leaving you with a losing effort.
• Don’t waste your time on unproductive players (women) because of emotional ties. Men are pretty loyal, to a fault at times. Once we become a fan of a player (woman) it’s hard for us to let go and accept that love affair may hold a place in our heart forever, but they should no longer be on our roster.

I know a lot of these correlations are pretty tongue in cheek but the more serious point here is this… Guys if you want a kick ass life with a beautiful, productive woman who contributes to your life then put some effort into to the process of getting on. Get in the dating game and spend the time that it takes to ensure you have the odds on your side. Put yourself in the position of being more informed than the next guy out there. You know what it takes to win at fantasy football… Start using that same desire, ambition and attentiveness into your romantic life and you just might land yourself a winner. Now that would be something to really brag about. Good luck on the field and stay safe out there.

Your pal, Sheik