by Mark Smiley | Nov 21, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Every December, in the spirt of the holidays, I rip off a Christmas carol and change up the lyrics and I use my column to write a poem. Last year I wrote “Randolph the Unlucky Dater” to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer and I must say I love that piece, if you haven’t had a chance to read it you can find it on www.themoderndater.com.
This year I was inspired by an old friend and mentor of mine, Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle columnist Peter Boyles. A month or two ago I was reading one of Peter’s articles titled “My Life Sucks, Part Two,” when I couldn’t help but be touched by his words, mainly because of how well I know him and how enormous this man’s heart is. Essentially Peter wrote about what it is like for him to be old and lonely and how he feels like finding love has passed him by. I truly believe it is never too late for love and that there is someone for everyone. In that spirit, this year I dedicate my Christmas poem to Peter! So without further ado and many apologies to Frosty the Snowman I present to you, “Talker The Old Man.”
Talker the old man, what a very empty soul,
With a microphone and a radio show, and two ex-wives with half his dough.
Talker the old man, is a lonely guy, they say.
He’s really low, ’cause the ladies know he has a limited time to play.
There must be magic left in his heart that he had found,
Finding true love is what he wants, before he’s six feet in the ground.
Oh, Talker, the old man, is alive as he could be;
But the women say I think he’s old and gay,
And he’s not the one for me.
Vroom vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom, Look at his motorcycle go.
Talker the old man, he knew the sun was out that day,
So he said, “Let’s ride, and we’ll have some fun, all I have is today.”
All through the village, with his throttle in his hand,
Searching here and there, for a woman who’s fair,
Sayin’, “there must be one for this old man.”
He burned rubber down the streets of town, where his back tire popped;
He paused for a moment, when he heard her holler, “Stop!”
For Talker, the old man, had to hurry on his way,
But when he waved goodbye she had a tear in her eye and they fell in love that day!
The moral to this poem is, Peter, everyone, no matter how hard you look for love, love will always find you. The kicker is you never know when it’s going to happen and you always have to be open and ready.
I want to use my column this Christmas as a gift to Peter, to help love find him. Now more than ever I know he’s ready. This column has a great female readership and I know one of you ladies out there would love to have a man like Pete. I’m not too sure how Peter is going to feel about this but I’m going to roll the dice and work my magic and set him up on some holiday dates. If you’re interested shoot me an email at themoderndater@gmail .com with a photo and a few words about yourself and why you think you would be a good match for Pete. Because I know Peter as well as I do, I think I have a good idea of his type of lady. If you fit that type I’ll set up a date. Of course I will write a follow up article that will update you on Peter’s journey to find love.
In other news The Modern Dater date club is shaping up with a great group of single men and women from the Denver area. The club is big enough now that we can all go on some great excursions that I am cooking up. If you want in on The Modern Dater club drop me an email and I’ll give you more information on how you can join in.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I look forward to talking to you all again next year!
Your Pal,
Santa Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Oct 24, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
I don’t know about you but this has been the most profound year of my life. The life lessons that I have experienced have truly been like nothing that I have ever witnessed before. Without question I have felt both sides of every situation and scenario you can imagine — personally, professionally, physically and emotionally. I’ve felt more confident than ever and I’ve been unsure about everything, I received more love than I thought was humanly possible and I’ve never been so alone. I discovered sides of me that I love and cherish and sides of me I never want to see again.
I’ve learned we are all doing the same thing, running the same race and facing the same life challenges. We’re all just trying to make our way through this life as humans, fallible human beings. We are people who depend and rely on each other in various capacities, physically, financially, and emotionally. We do and should expect a certain amount of safety from those with whom we associate in our romantic and platonic relationships.
So, undoubtedly as humans, we all will be let down by someone else’s actions, or by someone exercising their free will, if you will. The will, or need for someone to do something or fulfill something burning inside of them, may affect others’ lives because of their actions. The outcome of someone exercising their humanly free will can be positive or negative depending on the perception of the affected recipient(s).
You, me, us, the recipients, can either understand each other as humans. People are emotionally driven and on any given day we can be happy, sad, healthy, sick, loving, twisted, functional, crazy, you name it… If the emotion exists, you’re not excluded from feeling it.
Here’s where logic can trump emotion and will save you a lot of aggravation and heartache if you break it down in its most simplistic form. It is up to me/you to decide what and who works best in our human lives. It is up to us to seek intimacy and true reality and it is up to us to be actively in charge of our mental and physical health. We must not allow shallow relationships that are based on others reframing our reality by projecting perceptions of euphoria that cater to telling us what we want to hear. Humans have a tendency to do this so that their free will isn’t questioned, judged or challenged.
You, my friends, have the free will to be and conduct yourself in any fashion you desire and do whatever it is that makes you happy without my scrutiny or judgment. All I ask in return is that you offer me unfiltered, unfettered, unencumbered reality so that I can base what capacity you fit in my life.
Let’s face it, if you’re single and actively dating you are dealing with strangers. Strangers who may or may not have your best interest in mind and could potentially turn your life upside down, and most of the time we allow it. We, more often than not, like to give people the benefit of the doubt and sometimes look past things because we refuse to believe people don’t act or react to certain situations. We put it all out there in the manner we would and when they don’t, it’s letdown city. They may not have done anything wrong or they didn’t mean any harm by telling a little white lie, but it hurts nonetheless because we may expect a certain outcome that we’ve created in our minds.
Do me a favor and try this… Try to open up your mind when you’re dating. Allow people to be human, allow them to be comfortable with how they act and what they say. Be more forgiving and understanding to their plight in life instead of yours. Get to know the people you’re dating for who they are, the more comfortable they are the less likely they will feel the need to tell you what you want to hear instead of what they want to say. Watch their actions and listen closely to what they have to say and base if you want to continue your association with them by who they are, not who you want them to be. Stay true to yourself and your needs first, and who knows, if it doesn’t work out you may have just gained a friend, a friend you actually know for who they are!
As a side note: As you may or may not know I have created The Modern Dater Club and it is shaping up nicely! The Modern Dater Club is exclusive to singles who want to go on preplanned excursions with other singles that are created and hosted by me. If you want more information about The Modern Dater Club and how you can become a part of it you can contact me directly at themoderndater@gmail.com. Don’t forget to tune into my dating related radio show every Saturday evening at 7 p.m. on 630 KHOW or grab the podcasts on www. themoderndater.com.
Your pal, Sheik!
by Mark Smiley | Sep 29, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
It’s sad that I have to start out my column this month by warning those of you who are easily offended or so politically correct minded that this article may upset you. If you are either of those types just do us all a favor and stop reading now. For the rest of you, carry on!
This month I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting about some of the different “types” of women I have dated over the years and I thought it would be fun to illustrate a few examples. Please keep in mind I have dated and been in relationships with well-adjusted women who don’t fall into any of the categories that I have created. But let’s face it, writing about those women would just be plain boring to read. Also keep in mind I am not singling out women just to single them out. The fact of the matter is that I am not homosexual
and my dating experiences come from women, plain and simple. So ladies, I am sure you have some “types” of guys that you and your girlfriends have labeled as well and I would love to hear about them and include them in my next column if you email me at the moderndater@gmail.com.
Ok, now let’s get to the good stuff. Here are a few “types” of women that I have dated. Remember some women may possess a bit of each one of these but I am going to break them down by naming them individually.
Ms. Damaged Goods: This poor soul has been wrecked by life and relationships and she has no idea where to begin picking up the pieces. By nature she is sweet to a fault and that is a huge component to why she is so damaged. Personally I am touched by these women because my heart wants them to feel healed and ready for life but in my experience it is too hard to help them without it affecting my life in an adverse way.
The Daughter: Ok, now don’t be a perv, this is not an incestuous situation. Let me explain. Many men, including myself, like to date women our junior for many reasons. I’ll save that explanation as to why for an entirely different article. I have always said I feel like I raised three or four different women because it is natural for me to share my life experiences with them when I see them making obviously poor choices that I have already gone through in hopes that I can spare them some aggravation from making the same mistakes. Needless to say this is never good in the long run because the roles turn into more of a Father — Daughter relationship than an equal partnership. It’s fun in the beginning though!
The Mother: God bless this woman. Every man loves a caretaker and the mothering type does a great job. She is there for support, advice, stability and just great for an overall soft place to land. The only problem is I’m not physically attracted to you, but I do like the comfort so I have to be careful dating this type when I see it working toward that role.
The Man Hater: Guys, you know this woman. This lady has to have a man in her life yet she hates every one of us and she isn’t afraid to vocalize it. I think the Man Hater started out as Ms. Damaged Goods and just never put it together.
The Man Eater: I find this woman all the time, probably because she’s a challenge. This woman has it together and knows she can play men like a fiddle. She is smart, sexy, and secure in herself and puts out a “I don’t need you” energy and she usually gets whatever she wants when she wants it no matter what she has to do to make it happen.
The Stalker: What can I say about the Stalker that you don’t already know? Just because you eliminated her from your life doesn’t mean she’s gone, in fact, she’s everywhere. She combs through your social media to try and stay up on who you associate with and what you’re doing, she tries to remain in contact with your friends, she makes sure to pop in on you via text, phone and email even though you’ve made it clear you don’t want further contact. This can actually be a very scary thing to deal with.
The Groupie: The ladies are actually very sweet. I don’t care if you’re in show biz or not we’ve all had a groupie. This girl adores you and you can do no wrong and is similar to “Couch Girl” who I’ve written about in the past. She is just a fan of you and she will do just about anything you ask. Don’t mistake her for the Stalker because she actually has your best interest in mind. Be good to her.
The Man Molder: This woman is not dating to find you; she’s dating to find someone who fits an idea in her mind. I have been seeing quite a few of these women as of late for some reason. Whatever notion of where she should be in her life is what she is after. She may be ready to be married or have kids or just have a man to have a man. Forget getting to know each other, whatever is in her mind is what she will want you to be regardless of who you are or what you want. This woman scares the bejeezus out of me.
I could keep this going forever but my column is only allowed to be so long so I have to stop here. I do want to hear about the types of people you date, man or woman, just email me! Lastly don’t forget about my new Modern Dater Club where viable Colorado daters meet up to go on fun excursions together that are prearranged and hosted by me. The first outing will start with a happy hour and then a limo ride to a cooking school where singles pair off and rotate while we assemble a feast that we will all partake in at the end. Super excited to introduce “Circle Cooking” to you and if you would like more info on how you can be a part of this exclusive club just email me or hit me up on www. the moderndater.com. See you there!
Your pal, Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Aug 29, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
So you’re putting yourself out there and you’re dating, congrats. But let me ask you, if the perfect person for you presented themself to you would you even know it? Would you be ready to love and be loved? Would you even know what love is or how to nurture it in a healthy, positive way.
My guess is probably not and I don’t say this to be rude or condescending, I say this because the dating culture has become so self-absorbed with people who chase an idea rather than an actual person, a person who enhances your life rather than pushing you back into the cauldron of toxic, soul crushing relationships.
I look at daters everywhere who scare the daylights out of me. Let’s face it, if you’re reading my column the chances are good that you’re single, and if you’re single there is a good chance it’s for a reason. My experience from interacting with an abundance of unattached people from all walks of life is that they all share one major commonality. They are not single because they “haven’t found the right person,” they are single because they are unmarketable.
Time and time again I see people frantic to attach themselves to someone. I get it. Who wants to be alone and not share intimate moments with someone special? Nobody, unless you’re so beat down by life you just throw in the towel and give up. But for the most part, I do believe people need to feel loved and have a lot of love to give. Newsflash! Your love means squat if you don’t have any substance behind it and/or you don’t know how to display it.
Have you ever heard people say, “everyone I’m interested in being with isn’t into me and everyone who is interested in me, I’m not interested in?” Personally I think that is very telling and it isn’t by chance. It’s because people are always striving for someone better than themselves or someone who they think can fill a void that they’re unable or not willing to fill themselves. But lo and behold, nature takes charge and just like water that finds its own level, humans do too.
Daters everywhere play this sick little song and dance. A song and dance called how can I find someone who fits my idea of what I’m looking for, and then customize a perception about themselves that they project that has nothing to do with who they actually are. Why? Fear I suppose, fear that if the other person catches on to who they really are the other person will run like someone is chasing them with a knife. As well they should if you’re not being genuine.
Being a single guy myself I see this and have lived this exercise in futility first hand. Let’s face it, we could all be in a relationship if we wanted to right this second. What’s the reason we’re not? Answer: because we all want the best, the crème de la crème. But be honest with yourself right now, are you the best you, are you good for someone’s life that is happy, healthy, thriving and ready for honest, untainted love? If your honest answer is no, no you are not ready to provide the same for someone that you want out of them, then please stop. Stop trying to infuse your complicated life into the lives of those who have put in the time to make themselves viable for a loving relationship. Just stop, leave them alone.
Here is a quick check list for you to use to gauge whether you’re ready to love and be loved in a healthy relationship.
- Do you have a tendency to be dishonest and reframe reality so someone will like you? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you get offended by the truth and easily hurt by it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Do you seek out people to fulfill an idea you have or to fill a void in yourself, i.e., you want a baby; you need money; you want arm candy; you can’t stand to be alone with yourself; your friends are all getting hitched but you’re not; you think being with someone will make you happy when otherwise you are not; and the list goes on… If so, you’re not ready.
- You have jealousy and/or anger issues? If so, you’re not ready.
- You believe the other person should act and react to situations just like you would and if they don’t you get upset? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t understand that humans are fallible and will disappoint you on occasion and you take it very personally? If so, you’re not ready.
- You don’t believe in letting people exercise their free will and you don’t have the ability to let them do what drives them and then decide if their actions are right for you? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are unable or unwilling to identify things in your life that could be deemed dangerous and toxic to a good person and work hard on fixing those things? If not, you’re not ready.
- You are so damaged from prior relationships that when someone displays love and kindness to you subconsciously push them away or sabotage it? If so, you’re not ready.
- Lastly, you don’t love yourself? If so, you’re not ready.
Let me leave you this month with a quote from an amazing man who knew more about love than all of us combined, and touched more people’s hearts than any of us could ever hope to. “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ~ Bob Marley
P.S. I am starting an exclusive club in Denver called The Modern Dater Club that will be chock-full of prescreened viable daters who will be individually screened by me, and I will have fun, small, preplanned excursions for you to take part in. If you have interest in finding out more information you can personally email me on the contact page on www.themoderndater.com. Until we meet again! ~ Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Aug 1, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Confessions Of A Serial Dater
Sheik Of Cherry Creek Greg Hollenback
Why is the act of physical intimacy so meaningless these days? Let me rephrase that question…Have you noticed that people find it much easier to casually “hook up” with someone physically rather than sharing something personal about themselves? Is it just me, or is that the buggy before the horse approach? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of casual indiscretions and I am not holding myself above anyone else or passing judgment, but I can’t help but notice that hooking up is no longer taboo or shame ridden after the fact. It’s as normal as shaking hands with someone.
I’m sure most of you remember the days when a drunken night out bar hopping led to a romp in the bedroom with a complete stranger, followed by the walk of shame early the next morning. Nowadays forget about the shame, single (and attached) people are proud of the fact that they were able to achieve physical gratification without sharing anything personal with their partner of the day.
Why is this happening? I have a f
ew opinions on this topic as I’m sure you do too. First, I blame a lot of this casual mentality on technology. Technology has allowed people the opportunity to meet others that they wouldn’t have had the capability of meeting years ago. Gone are the days when you were forced to date people who you actually knew. You know, a friend of a friend, someone you work with, a person your Aunt Betty introduced you to. Those were the days when dating prospects were few and there was an expectation of decorum and chivalry. Why? Because the people you had the opportunity to become romantic with were somehow woven into your life, and not just a stranger who lives across town and is just a dating profile picture with a brief description of who they want you to believe they are.
Think about it, and it only makes sense. Because of technology a single daters pool of prospects went from looking like a pond years ago and now that pond looks more like the Pacific Ocean. Now having your options increased seems like an amazing thing on the surface but the reality is I believe it’s turning us into a bunch of emotionally guarded people who have settled for casual relations. I don’t believe technology daters intend for this to be the outcome, but when they set out to date it inevitably ends up that way.
Here’s why I say that. Dating with a purpose is difficult and if you are truly doing things the proper way in order to form a lasting bond with someone beyond physical attraction, it can be emotionally taxing. Especially if things don’t work out and you have to repeat the process over and over again until the noodle sticks on the ceiling. The emotions and vulnerability of opening up your heart and soul to someone is a scary notion, even more so than exposing your body for gratification and false intimacy.
Who can blame anyone for shutting down when they are looking for love in numerous strangers’ eyes? Thinking about it makes me exhausted. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re using technology to date so you can avoid being just as cold and impersonal as the computer you’re using.
- Keep the number of people you’re dating to a minimum. More is not better in this instance… The larger your dating rotation is the harder it becomes on your personal constitution. Figure out if you’re on the same page as the person you’re dating and remember your long-term emotional needs, not what’s going to satisfy you for the day.
- Keep your casual encounters to a minimum. I say this because the more and more you do something the more your brain and body will get used to it making this pattern of casual false intimacy not only normal to you, but a big part of who you are. This is not a life you want to live.
- Have expectations of not only yourself but the people you date. You should give and expect emotional fulfillment and gratification from your time spent together. If you find yourself not wanting to bring that to the table or the other person shows up empty handed, try to get back on the same page or move on. Usually forcing someone to open up in order to create a lasting bond just leads to pushing them further away, which is fine. At least there is movement and direction even if it’s not the direction you hoped for.
- Be aware of what you’re doing and pacing yourself when it comes to learning about another person. There is a fine line between wanting to know a person and being nosey, especially when you’re first dating. So keep a good conscious pace, not too slow, not too fast. Easy does it.
- Never forget in your mind how good it feels to actually make love to someone you care about. That’s the goal, love. Take pride in knowing when you give your body to someone you actually care about you can take pride and render mountains more satisfaction than you ever will by using someone as a tool for pleasuring oneself.
I bring this topic up because I see a trend happening in the dating world that is now just starting to rear its head — ugly head. Are you seeing an increase in casual relations and a decline in intimate, true connections? If you have a take on this subject I would love to continue this discussion with you on my blog at www.themoderndater .com. Don’t forget to tune into The Modern Dater radio show on 630 KHOW every Saturday evening starting at 7 p.m.
Until next time, keep it in your pants and wait for romance.
Your pal — Sheik
by Mark Smiley | Jun 20, 2014 | Feature Story Bottom Left
Ok guys, the last two articles that I wrote were to help you not only find quality women but also how to be ready when dating them. Well now it’s July and you should be in full dating swing with plenty of options in your rotation so when fall and nesting season comes around you can pair up with the pick of the litter. Here is the problem; flipping the switch from “dating guy” to “relationship guy” can be a very tricky endeavor that can backfire on you leaving you alone, without options, launching you back to square one if you don’t flip the switch at the perfect time.
First, let me explain the difference between dating guy and relationship guy before I talk about how you flip the switch and the dynamics behind the method.
Dating guy is the guy women are initially attracted to. Dating guy isn’t needy because he has options, dating guy doesn’t share his deepest darkest secrets, and he’s mysterious and is a little aloof. Women want a guy who other women desire. When ladies are dating they don’t want to date a guy that they know they can have, remember women like the chase too, probably more than guys do.
Relationship guy is the guy who is all in. He wants to be exclusive with one woman and in most cases when a man falls for a woman it is because she possesses all the qualities he is seeking in a woman, he’s extremely attracted to her, he enjoys her intellect and sense of humor and he can’t get enough of her. Relationship guy will tell her his deepest secrets; he is available at all times, his desire to chase other women vanishes and his cortisol levels skyrocket and his testosterone plummets.
Here’s the rub. Women who are dating are not attracted to relationship guy; he is too needy and easy, almost creepy to her if she is not ready or doesn’t want to be in a relationship. But when a woman is ready to be exclusive she wants dating guy to go away and she wants relationship guy to show up. This is a problem. Why you say? The answer is a man has no clue when to flip the switch from dating guy to relationship guy. For the most part guys wear their feelings on their sleeves and are pretty straightforward when they’re feeling something. On the flipside if a woman is ready to be exclusive and you still act like dating guy, there will be problems.
What it all boils down to is timing. Most guys by nature want to always remain dating guy because we are more productive in business, more virile, less emotional and basically more stable within ourselves. The monkey wrench gets thrown into our lives when we fall for a woman and the chemistry in our bodies starts to change and we can’t control what we’re feeling and thinking.
Guys you must remember what I am about to tell you and what you just read if you’re 
ready to flip the switch and she’s not. You have to remain dating guy until you are certain she is ready to be with you. Even if you have to force yourself to hold back putting yourself out there prematurely you still must. This will save you in the long run, trust me. I know this sounds like playing games but what can I say, I didn’t write the rules of attraction I just live by them like everyone else. The sad but very real thing about dating and romance is that resistance causes attraction and the more you push someone away the more they are drawn to you. Don’t put yourself in the helpless situation where you go too fast and she pushes you away leaving you desperate, with no options wanting more and more. Bleh!
Here are a few signs a woman is ready to be exclusive with you and she wants to couple up with you.
- She opens herself up sexually. Not just the act but she becomes open about her needs and insecurities.
- She starts to become jealous of other women in your life.
- She is interested in including you in whatever she is doing.
- She wants you to be more involved with her family.
- She starts planning things to do together in the future.
Warning: If you are really into a girl and you don’t see any of these signs do not, I repeat do not flip the switch over to relationship guy no matter how hard it is. If you can keep a level head even when you feel at times you can’t control it, you have to remain dating guy. If you take my advice you have a much better chance of not scaring her off to the next guy who is able to keep her on her toes.
Don’t forget to tune into the Modern Dater show for more dating advice every Saturday evening at 7 p.m. on 630 KHOW or catch the podcast and all of my writing on www.themoderndater.com. I am also very stoked to have put together a weekly happy hour every Wednesday on the patio of Randolph’s Restaurant and bar in the Warwick Hotel. I love happy hour, live reggae, beachside bars and a smoky grill. That’s why I created “Luau on the Terrace” all of the elements of a beachside grill brought to you right here in Denver. See you there!
— Sheik
