The Republican Party Primary, WWE Bloodsport
Blasting With Boyles
OPINION
Moolah: Republican State Senator Barbara Kirkmeyer is known in political circles as the Fabulous Moolah after the 1950’s professional wrestling star. Shown here pounding on one of her Republican gubernatorial opponents.
It’s come to my mind that the Republican Party has a snowball’s chance in hell of putting one of their own in the governor’s throne for the great state of Colorado.
And hence, as Patsy Ramsey wrote, I decided what we really need is a combination of professional wrestling and the folks who fiddle in the middle of stations that are gone.
Let me introduce to you a few of the candidates in two out of three falls, loser leaves town, in a cage match. Hopefully.
Professional wrestling, as we all know, the only true sport left is what’s known as a “work.”
You know the beginning; you know the middle as a high spot; and then the already predetermined end of the match. Can you see this shaping up? This could be a tournament. Also known as the Republican Primary, that looks from the outside to be controlled by the evil eminence, the democrat party, due to open primaries.
So as I once said when I was working in the ring in a rented tuxedo, you would always introduce the bad guy first. Well in this case they’re all bad guys and the biggest bad guy is a gal, Barbara “Fabulous Moolah” and democrat-light State Senator Barbara Kirkmeyer.
She is competing against any number of the lunatic fringe of the republican party. And they are, trust me, lunatics.
Let me introduce to you Joe “the Hangman” Oltmann. His finishing move is hanging anyone that disagrees with him. A brilliant finisher.
After he proclaimed how he wanted to be deposed in the Dominion lawsuit and then found himself stepping/running out of the deposition. This is a guy that you really want in that ring.
The newest, and it’s called a “run” in the wrestling business, charging to the ring challenging Moolah and the Hangman comes the Childhood Assassin Victor Marx. Marx has made it a staple of his campaign that he assassinated a man when he was seven years old. Now it’s hard to top a story line like that.
That story appeals to the darkness of Republicans.
He also makes claims of multiple black belts and fast gun takeaways — you can’t beat having a candidate like this in the ring.
This three-way dance will be refereed by iHeart media talk show host and Gazette columnist Jimmy “the Weasel” Sengenberger. And his color announcer will be Congresswoman Lauren “White Trash” Boebert.
And of course, far more important than what goes on in the ring are the voices that describe the action. With Tina Peters, released from prison for one night only to be the ring girl. The crowd wants Tina to be permanently freed from prison.
Rino loving KOA’s Mandy Connell and Ross “the Boss” Kominsky will be the ring announcers. What a night it’s going to be.
Tickets are on sale at Shotgun Willies and other gentleman’s clubs throughout Colorado.
It’s going to be a barnburner, so I advise you all to get tickets now. They go on sale after income Tax Day, April 15th.
All great professional wrestlers have a finishing move. We don’t know what Kirchmeyer’s is because she has no position on anything.
The Hangman’s is self-evident. And Marx will jump off the top rope and karate chop you with his well-honed techniques.
The best part, as I mentioned before, is none of this realty matters because none of them has a chance against the well-oiled democrat machine that controls all statewide offices, a combination of corrupted voter rolls and mail-in ballot harvesting as well as turning the former red suburbs blue.
So, enjoy the WWE 2026 Republican primaries this year.
— Peter Boyles
